Realizations

Philosophy in the Middle of the Desert

Crisis Philosophy October 28, 2014

[as originally typed up on my iphone from 4:30-6am, 101714, after waking from a nightmare, terrified by the disgusting abominations I saw and felt, as if they were really happening]

 

The disgusting, demonic nightmare:
The old, placid doctor talked to his assistant (a pretty, young blonde in a labcoat), as if another routine day on the job:
“Yes, my dear. We’re going to rape you and burn you and chop you up and freeze you.”
The young lady was standing very routinely, but with a sudden look of surprise and confusion. Then two men came up from behind and grabbed her, put her down on the ground, and put a large ice bag on her neck.  She screamed as they started chopping her ankles with a butcher’s knife. But the scene cut right before the blade touched her flesh. And I thought, well that’s a relief the scene was cut, otherwise it would have been inappropriate.
Then I was on a bus and this same scene was playing as a movie on a screen. I was watching it again with the other people on the bus and when it got to the point of chopping her ankles I knew the camera would stop again just in time before the blade cut, otherwise it would have been inappropriate for a public place like that. But there was sitting in front of me a pretty young blonde, similar to the young nurse in the movie, and she turned her head away right before the chop, in horror, unable to watch anymore. Then the movie showed the nurse’s head on the ground next to the opaque freezer box which contained her chopped up body. And that’s when I woke up, full of terror and overcome with disgust at the darkness of that movie. And yet I already said in the dream that “at least it wasn’t inappropriate”, though that same “appropriate” movie caused the girl in front of me to turn in disgust, and was enough for me to wake me up in a terrified panic. What symbolism there is all throughout this dream!

And, as only a dream can do, my mind and heart were suddenly opened, and I could feel the fear and pain that blonde nurse experienced, and all my first world problems vanished. I realized that intense human suffering like that was going on right now in the world; it didn’t end with the Holocaust. And being in that fatal doctor’s office with that nurse, I felt her panicked desperation as she thought “Surely there is someone who can save me! Surely there is someone coming for me, or at least working or fighting to get here and rescue me!”

 

Then this dialog played in my mind while I was recovering from the dream.
Old European gentleman: “Oh come now. Eat. Drink!  Be merry. There is much to do, but there is also a time to enjoy life!”
Neo: “No. You don’t get it. You don’t realize how evil evil is. If you did you wouldn’t be able to put that food down. You would be staying up all night thinking and working to save these innocent people right now. The hand is cancerous and its spreading faster than a venom, but because of the remaining good in it we ignore the bad for a little bit longer, hoping it will get better… Hoping until it’s too late.”
Gentleman: “You can’t just throw away the good with the bad, the baby with the bath water!”
Neo: “But I say, yes!  Throw it out!  Better to enter life with one hand than to burn in hell with both.  The thing that’s keeping this kind of evil active is humanity’s existence. As long as we’re still around there will be immense suffering, because there will always be demons to put evil emotions and ideas in our hearts, and just enough lazy, complacent good people to keep the world good enough, and not altogether bad enough to cut off. Good enough people are the problem. It’s the hardworking man in Iowa who works an honest job and comes back to a wholesome meal with his family and settles in for a night in front of the tv. This is the problem. This is what’s allowing more time for the evil in the world to go on betraying and cheating and lying and piercing and burning. This is what’s keeping the stew just lukewarm enough to not be thrown out.  Oh, you don’t understand the evil that exists!”

God, destroy this Sodom even though there be 10 righteous in it!

 

I think about the horrible, utterly disgusting depravity of this world with its inhuman media, making movies like Human Centipede. Not only are people given opportunities and incentives to let their minds wander to such dark corners, inspired by the dark boundaries surpassed by those before them, but then they invest time and money to not only make their evil imaginations visible, but to put them in other people’s heads, into the minds of people that might not ever think of these evil things otherwise. Such is the cancer of pornography and MTV and Hollywood, who makes inescapable commercials that are literally filled with the same scenes that made movies in the 60’s rates R, and in the 50’s rated X.  And yet most Americans think this is … Wait for it… GOOD!!!  We have been so numbed to the evils of pornography that we have also been numbed to the good of innocence and virginity. Numbed to how good it is seeing a young woman as a soul, created in the image of God, and the beautiful work of art she is within, and thus is our desire to protect her from pain and devaluing numbed. The hardworking family man in Iowa is doing nothing to stop this genocide, but instead embraces it, even if only subtly, and subjects his family to it as acceptable prime time tv!  He is the problem. He is in the way of justice and mercy. He is no better than the passive Germans who kept living everyday life when there was a concentration camp in their backyard. Oh that you were hot or cold, holy or evil, but you are lukewarm, and even though you are not altogether bad you will be thrown out, and cause the rest of us to be thrown out with you.

 

When we were children our eyes were still open to see the gravity of evil and it could make us vomit, but today we have been so numbed to how great this evil is, that instead of vomiting out the poison we laugh at it, ingest it, spread it, and it kills us all. America could very well be the most wicked nation on Earth, for we are a Great Whore seeking out nations to invite to drink our cup of adultery, and so make them guilty also. And as if our rated R movies and pornography and sex slavery wasn’t bad enough, what’s even worse than all of that is that we stamp “In God We Trust” on it. I assure you God doesn’t take that blasphemy lightly.

 

Right now, somewhere in the world, someone is being tortured just as bad as the horrors of the Nazis and their Holocaust.  Like what’s going on in Iraq at the hands of ISIS right now.
If I live a good, comfortable life but someone else is living in Hell as we speak, then may both our lives be snuffed if it stops their suffering; for pain is more tangible than joy. Until then let us fight this horror with whatever time and energy we have left.
I pray God would have mercy on us, as in the days of Noah, and wipe us all out for the sake of the suffering that we have allowed to become this unimaginably horrible. I don’t care about justice, all I care about is ending the pain. With people going through this kind of intense pain right now, how can we do anything but be constantly working to rescue them? I mean, we’re in a state of emergency crisis! Put on hold your job, your marriage, your parenthood! Don’t you dare waste any more time on entertainment and recreation when you could always be doing something to help in the fight against the suffering of the innocent. I know you’d wish people would give up entertainment to fight for you if you were in that kind of pain. If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.
Better to err on the side of righteousness and holiness than on the side of blasphemy, apathy, laziness, lust, and violence.

 

———————–

The next morning I knew I had to do something. And while I’m limited at helping to fight the genocide of ISIS (you can support Voice of the Martyrs as they are actively helping those victims), I knew that there were plenty of horrors happening in my own backyard, and so I signed up to volunteer myself (not just my money) with End Slavery TN. Even if all I can help with right now is sorting papers or doing data entry or writing essays, I’m at least part of the solution to bring relief to the suffering. Even if I can do nothing more than menial tasks right now, so that more active people in the organization aren’t tied down doing them, then I will allow more time/energy/attention to be directed to help the suffering.  In whatever we do, we need to live like we’re really in a state of emergency crisis, because we are.

Advertisements
 

My Valentine February 15, 2014

[written on 1/25/14 with my left hand, during 24 hours of silence; posted in honor of Valentine’s Day!]

If you’ve gone through a whole day without loving God, trusting God, or truly focusing in on Him/tuning into His voice… then you failed your top priority of the day.  The day was a failure.  You got an F.  You didn’t pass the test of loyalty.  After all, isn’t this the greatest commandment in the Old and New Testament, and indeed the meaning of life?  “Love the LORD your God with all your heart…”

If you don’t feel love for God in your heart something is wrong.  Stop everything you’re doing; take off from work if you have to.  Until you’re right with God, until you get to the place where you can honestly ask God to give you opportunities to proclaim His name today, to proclaim your Love.  And then go out actually looking for those opportunities.

God wants us to love Him like a lover — like in Song of Songs — consumed with Him as if we have a crush.  God wants me to run out through the fields to find a tree that I can carve a heart with both our initials in it.

We always put God on the shelf, getting Him out when it doesn’t conflict with anything else.  But why not put everything else on the shelf until it doesn’t conflict with God?  Why not love God and trust Him even if it means we die?  [21514- As my friend, Spencer Argow, pointed out to me last week, the last time I saw him before he died:  “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” ~Job 13:15]

[I should note that writing this article is my very act of living out my advice, as this came to me during a time when I have so much stuff people want me to do, and I chose to put it on the shelf until I’m right with God again.  It’s kind of corny, I know, but that’s the point!]

 

Courage January 25, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — milesprowers @ 5:37 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Just because you’re not afraid right now doesn’t mean you truly aren’t afraid. Change your circumstances and see if you’re still unafraid.  It’s then that you will realize you’re living in fear.  Not happening to feel fear at this moment is not the same as having courage.  Courage is a way of life, just like fear is a way of life — regardless of the circumstances.  While fear is passive and pessimistic, courage is active and full of faith.  You only live once, so which life do you want to live?  A mediocre one or a legendary one?  For all in life is a choice and every moment in life is a step: a step inward or a step outward.

We hide behind excuses and shelter our timid selves with the lie of the world which says we’re supposed to be afraid.  And we willingly blind ourselves so we can ignore the fact that the path to courage begins with just one small step.  It’s so much easier to be lazy, to be passive, to stay in our comfort zones and be miserable.  The miserable life is an easy one to live, but a happy one is very difficult.  Because friends and confidence and blessings come from rejection, trials, and sacrifice.

So we’d rather just pretend the world knows what it’s talking about when it says you were born this way, that your identity is either fearful or courageous, so there’s no use in fighting it.  But is that realistic?  Isn’t it more realistic that our brains and bodies adapt to our surroundings and the habits we determine for them?  Maybe some people have natural tendencies towards fear or courage, but who of us hasn’t had a moment of fear and courage?  It proves that if we’ve had courage before we can have courage again.  Some of us just have to fight for it harder than others, and some of us aren’t willing to fight at all.  But the fight is only one step at a time, and the first step is the hardest.  And then we can take another step outward, toward a lifestyle, to a habit of courage.  Why not choose a life of courage?  You will choose your next step.  Posting this was my small step towards courage.  What is yours?

[written with my left hand]

 

Mortal Ghost April 1, 2013

I am a ghost. Floating above the world, looking down, looking through.

I have been unplugged from the Matrix. Freed from Plato’s cave. Broken from the earthen chains of gravity.

You think you see me, but you don’t really see Me.  For you see but an apparition, a physical manifestation  of the spiritual within.

I am no longer able to stop and smell the roses, for I cannot see the roses. Whereas the world stops and sniffs the roses because it cannot see the suffering around them.

I am a prophet, a mortal ghost, living on another plane of existence.

Sometimes it is lonely being a ghost, but I know it is lonelier not being one.
Sometimes it is lonely drifting through this carnal world, but lonely freedom is better than communal slavery.

I wander the earth looking for others who have died to this world, yet live within it.

//

 

Sociosuicide August 23, 2012

[as written from 81611-6412, with additions and editions on 82312]

 

When first talking to my Dad about the possibility of going part-time to focus on music and life he said, “Don’t do that!  You’ll go through Hell!”  What, as if this is paradise?  Maybe I have to go through Hell to find out what paradise is.  Otherwise I may be in paradise right now thinking it’s Hell all the time.

 
You can survive without money, but there’s no point in surviving if you don’t have time.

 
Why waste the best years of your life?  Why spend the prime of your life confined to a cube, not even taking advantage of your young, energetic, healthy body?
Waste the prime of life slaving to save up money for the end of life when your body’s too achy from all those years of slaving to really enjoy it.  Work during the only years when you could actually be adventurous and do anything you want, only to retire when your outings are confined and safe.  I say the exact opposite: retire while you’re still young and work when you’re old.

 
It’s not like a job is going to be anything too physically-challenging for someone in their 60’s.  Especially since by the time I’m in my 60’s everything will be copy-and-pasting on computers anyways, so I’ll be confined to a cube (just like an old person would be in a retirement home) and clicking mouses all day (just like an old person would be doing anyways, playing solitaire and surfing the web).
Slave your whole life away and by the time you can finally retire you’re too old and achy and fragile to do the things you would do if you were younger.

And sadly you have to factor in the possibility that you wouldn’t even live long enough to retire (especially with the age of retirement getting pushed back), in which case your whole existence was all about school or working since you were like 5, and then ended before your life could be known for anything other than that.  What a shame it would be for you to invest all your time in a job, just longing for the day you retire, only to randomly get killed by a drunk driver at the age of 60.  “But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your soul is required of you.  Then whose will all these things be which you have acquired?’” [Luke 12:20]

I wonder if an old man on his death bed would be happy he played it safe his whole life, giving up the risk of adventure for the mediocrity of comfort and security?  I doubt it.  After all, he still dies just like the man who dies while mountain climbing or sky-diving.  What does it matter at that point how you die?  And though the latter died sooner, who had a more fulfilling life overall?  You’re going to leave this earth one way or another; you might as well go out with a bang!  And live a more exciting life until that bang comes (if it ever does indeed come).

 
“Stand by and see the salvation of our God.”

 

Whereas on our first trip to the new city I was yelling “Livin’ the dream!  Livin’ the FLIPPIN’ dream!!”  Now I somberly mutter under my breath with reverence “Living the dream.”  Do I have cold feet?  Of course I’ve got cold feet!  But I choose to force those cold feet forward.  I don’t wake up everyday with such a strong conviction of faith so as to meditate on every one of my problems until I have peace about each one, but I do have an over-arching faith that says “I’m scared about these circumstances I’m going through, but I know God will make it all work out in the end one way or another.”  And so my act of faith isn’t staring at my fears in the face and laughing at them, my act of faith is to not think of them at all and trust that God’s plan isn’t dependent on me having faith about each one, but instead having faith that he’ll make it all work out, and it’s not going to help anything by me thinking about them.  Even if my goal is trying to muster faith against each problem individually, chances are if I think about a problem I’ll unavoidably worry; so why even think of them?  My act of faith is to keep flying by the seat of my pants, not paying attention to the details (lest I worry), and trusting that God will make me land where I’m supposed to.

 

[This is something I had to learn from going through major depression during the struggles with my band’s old drummer.  It seemed that he would be quitting the band (which for me was ultimately a sign that my dream of music wouldn’t work out and everything I’d banked my life on was a mistake), and so I was stressed, depressed, and anxious as I was forced to wait for him to get his act together and figure out what he was doing.  The mood of every day hinged on what kind of response I got from him.  Then one day he randomly just hit us with the news that he was moving out of state, which had nothing to do with the band but had to do with family issues, so it was completely out of our control.  That’s when I realized that all this time I was trying to fix the situation and manipulate it to work out in my favor, but in the end the outcome was completely independent of me, and I couldn’t have influenced the situation one bit.  The outcome was still going to happen regardless of me.  I had the realization that instead of spending that month in depression, stress, and anxiety, I could have simply not cared or thought about the situation at all, and instead chilled out and enjoyed life for a month, and the result would have been exactly the same!  …only in the second scenario I would have had a much better month of my life.]
“Stand by and see the salvation of our God.”  For some reason, in times like this, a verse will just randomly come out of my inner being, and the same verse keeps coming over and over (as was the case when I was nervous about talking to Mike Minter on the phone and the line “Why do the nations rage when their king is on the throne?” kept coming to me all week).  This particular line is one that got into my head from one of Minter’s sermons referring to Moses’ statement when the people were dead-ended by the Red Sea (the specific wording I think is a combination with Isaiah 52:10, after being recently amazed by Rich Mullins’ song “52:10”).  Just as in the past when God had everything fall into place miraculously and amazingly, even now I’m seeing the pieces coming together and all I can do is keep going, awaiting the miraculous as in the past, and say “Stand by and see the salvation of our God.”  May I fall into place, and then stand back and be amazed at the puzzle You have made!

//

 

The Greatest Possible Sacrifice January 28, 2012

Filed under: Christianity/Theology/Spirituality — milesprowers @ 10:18 am
Tags: , , ,

[As written on 1/17-18/12, edited 012812]

“The universe is so vast and so ageless that the life of one man can only be justified by the measure of his sacrifice.” ~ RAF Flying Officer Vivian Rosewarne, shot down on 31 May 1940

All this talk of sacrifices…but I don’t sacrifice. Not really. If I did I would be out of my comfort zone, doing things I don’t want to do. As it is, I sacrifice…in my comfort zone. I sacrifice my time (not wasting time with insignificant things that don’t edify me or others), talent (use my strengths and skills to bring others closer to God), treasure (only buy what is necessary and give the rest to the ministry), body (rebel against the lusts of my flesh) and relationships (don’t let anyone become more of a priority over God, or get in the way of my calling). I sacrifice it to make the biggest impact I can possibly make…..and yet still manage to achieve my own desires, interests, and dreams. Still somehow keep my hands from getting dirty.
A wise man once said “If I even sacrifice my body to the flames, but have not love, I am nothing.” Equally in my case, if I rock the world to its core, but have not love… I am nothing.

I sacrifice my time, talent and treasure to use it for things other than indulging my selfish desires, but even then I’m using them to do something I enjoy doing. So then, is that really sacrifice? Is it that much of a sacrifice to choose not to indulge in fleshly stimulation at all times? I put all my time, talent, and treasure towards a ministry, but it’s a ministry I enjoy doing. So is it really sacrifice?
It’s easy to sacrifice physical things within your comfort zone that you have easy access to like money and food; what’s hard to sacrifice is the intangible, things like your embarrassment and weaknesses. Standing up to defend Jesus’ name or Christianity. Making that first embarrassing detour in the conversation to culturally-awkward topics like religion. Amidst your jam-packed schedule to ask someone if they need help with something or engaging them in conversation. On your day off to look for ways to serve others. Or forcing yourself to smile. Or giving up your spiritual gifts to serve in the area which happens to need the most help right in front of you, as awkward as it is. Or even physical things like fatigue and pain. These are the hindrances of true sacrifice.

Who really does sacrifice then?
The first thing that pops up in my mind when I think of total sacrifice, or the ultimate surrender to God, is the missionary. Surely a missionary who leaves behind all luxury and family and cultural comfort behind to pursue the selfless goal of fulfilling God’s neglected command to preach the Gospel to those most desperate for it. Yet what missionary doesn’t enjoy what he does? What missionary doesn’t feel the unparalleled, divine joy that comes from joining the ranks of the apostles in being obedient to God’s greatest command and fulfilling their meaning of life? Are there really missionaries out there writhing in misery right now, guilt-tripped into the mission field, and merely riding on the fumes of conviction to keep them going? If so, I’ve never heard of them, even if their missionary journey doesn’t bare evident fruit.

Perhaps we should let the missionaries speak for themselves. What would the most sacrificial of missionaries say on the subject? Fortunately for this essay’s sake, one of the most famous missionaries was asked about his sacrifice. To which Dr. David Livingstone replied:
People talk of the sacrifice I have made in spending so much of my life in Africa. . . . Is that a sacrifice which brings its own blest reward in healthful activity, the consciousness of doing good, peace of mind, and a bright hope of a glorious destiny hereafter? Away with the word in such a view, and with such a thought! It is emphatically no sacrifice. Say rather it is a privilege. Anxiety, sickness, suffering, or danger, now and then, with a foregoing of the common conveniences and charities of this life, may make us pause, and cause the spirit to waver, and the soul to sink; but let this only be for a moment. All these are nothing when compared with the glory which shall be revealed in and for us. I never made a sacrifice.

Wow. I’m reminded of the passage that “coincidentally” came up today as I’m in the process of reading through the whole Bible chronologically. Luke 17: 7: “Which of you, having a slave plowing or tending sheep, will say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come immediately and sit down to eat’? 8 But will he not say to him, ‘Prepare something for me to eat, and properly clothe yourself and serve me while I eat and drink; and afterward you may eat and drink’? 9 He does not thank the slave because he did the things which were commanded, does he? 10 So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, ‘We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.’”

So what then is the ultimate sacrifice?
100% sacrifice would be something like voluntarily going to jail or dying for no cause, where you can’t enjoy anything, nor do anything good which might bring you joy. That’s the ultimate sacrifice. And also that which God abhors.

As it turns out, “sacrifice” in reality is a relative term that requires a balance to be useful, much like the rest of Christianity. For if you truly sacrificed everything you possibly could, you wouldn’t be doing any good. God has called us all to be living sacrifices and yet I believe that in fulfilling that divine charge of making the greatest impact you can possibly make you will experience the greatest possible joy.

//

//

//

//

//

//

 

Let’s Get Radical! (aka devout) December 9, 2010

[DISCLAIMER: the views hereby expressed were done so in an unstable frame of mind and thus are not necessarily the currently held views of the author (hence being pushed to the end of the blog); nevertheless, enough interesting points were made to merit putting its entirety on display for the world.  Perhaps you should consider reading this like one of David’s more pessimistic psalms.  Written between 1/12/10 and 2/16/10, with edits on 12/9/12]

For some reason I actually feel pretty good right now and at peace and happy, because there is the Basia song “Promises” playing in my head.  But nonetheless I’m writing this because the rest of the day up to now I was in misery, struggling with depression and instability of mind, the result of not being able to stop analyzing or not controlling my thoughts and emotions.  So at the risk of losing this rare, good feeling, I think the thoughts I was thinking today were very interesting and worth recording.

Allow me to ask a possibly heretical question:  Is Basia more powerful than God?  I beg and plead with God to give me peace inside, and focus on Him and to stop being depressed and longing and to stop thinking so deeply which always ends up making me depressed, longing, full of self-pity (which is always the thing that leads to near tears), and really to just stop thinking in general and just be happy to be alive….but nothing happens.  The thoughts and analyzing keep going, completely out of my control and inevitably my thoughts and emotions get worse and worse until I can’t even work at my job, and I get closer to hysteria.  But then I think about Basia and all of the sudden when her songs play in my head, everything I had been feeling the whole day instantly vanishes with 0 traces and I feel happy all of the sudden.  What’s up with that?   It was like that yesterday when listening to Basia’s cd for the first time put me on such a high.  Sure God could be using Basia to give me peace…but Basia shouldn’t be what fills my void, and that’s so superficial!  I need (and am asking) God to fill my void.  I have absolutely no control over my emotions and mind, so God is going to have to take control, because he’s the only one who has control.  Yeah this is probably a spiritual attack, but it’s so hard and I get so worn out to the point I am in now where I’m tired of dealing with this and fighting and so I say to God, “God, I’m done fighting.  You’re the only one who can save me and heal me, but you have to fight for me.  You have to show up.  Otherwise, if you don’t, I will be destroyed.”

It’s mind-blowingly amazing how someone like me, who was so happy and encouraging all the time in college (and people recognized that about me) could be so constantly miserable now.  What makes me feel even worse about this is that I realized recently that I am in the top 1% most blessed of the world.  I am living in the most prosperous country on planet Earth.  And I am living in the most prosperous part of the most prosperous country on Earth, so I am living in the single most prosperous and richest part of Planet Earth!  Not only that, it gets better.  I am a Christian, white, wealthy, American male.  I am in the top of the top of the world.  And not only am I a Christian, this is not to be seen as bragging, but I am blessed enough by the grace of God to be a devout Christian who truly wants to do God’s will and is willing to sacrifice anything in order to do that.  It’s hard to say, but I am definitely in the group of the top 1 million most blessed earthlings, but maybe even top 100,000?  !!!  And yet despite that, or maybe because of that, I am miserable…

I am a man most miserable.  My great learning has driven me insane.

When I told one of my friends about my misery he said he was praying for me to be happy.  I thanked him politely for his prayers, but thought to myself, “What a foolish, superficial thing to pray for!  God hasn’t called us to be happy, he’s called us to sacrifice our lives (the result often being suffering).”  After all, we are the scum of the earth, refuse on a hill.  Our role-model was known as the Suffering Servant.  But this is what I have come to realize:  following Christ’s example should make you happy and true happiness is following Christ truly.  And further, if you do not have happiness you don’t have the motivation to live as a sacrifice (which takes lots and lots of motivation).  If you don’t have motivation than you will definitely not be a living sacrifice like you are called to.  I realize that now.

————

Another thing that amazes me is that after spending 3 years being hardcore about celibacy, to the point that I looked down on people in relationships and thought they were living in sin, God broke me down with depression showing me that perhaps I myself, even I the main advocate of celibacy, couldn’t handle a life of solitude after all.  I was forced to be open to the possibility of companionship, and through this opening of my heart God broke me down further by forcing me against my will to fall into romance.  This romance was logically not God’s will, and yet it was so enticing that it possessed me to the point of near hysteria that pushed me out of my self-conscious zone and I addressed the issue.  Something I would never do normally, but I was in such agony that I needed it to end one way or the other.  God’s clear and obvious will, which seemed realistic and logical the whole time, was confirmed and I was shut down.  I concluded that God had used this to break me down and show me that people in relationships were not in sin, that people were not created for lives of solitude, but were created for companionship.  And so I sympathized with them…for a while.  And now we get to where I am now, where I am still not over the romance, even after it being confirmed that it’s not God’s will, which I knew all along.  So now I am in an absolutely pathetic state of wretched misery, knowing it’s not God’s will but my heart still wanting it, though my mind doesn’t want it.  But the possibility of “What if…” keeps the longing of romance alive.  And now, out of nowhere, for no reason at all, my feelings of indignation towards them returned and I am bitter and frustrated with people in relationships as not being in the will of God and not truly wanting to do God’s will, not being truly surrendered (only a few months after being broken down in that very area).  And all of this has logical, biblical evidence to back it up.  And I really don’t care about any of it, but I am in the back seat being torn this way and that way in a war between my differing views of the heart (which is not me) and my mind (or minds) which is/are not me.  I have no control over this, but I am in pain.  I don’t know what’s going on and can’t figure it out.  All I can do is wallow in my agony and be confused and ignorant, walking around like a zombie all day, as my mind (or whatever it is) has taken me hostage and my soul just sits there waiting and praying for God to end it.

[1/27/10- I don’t know if we have free will or not, but one thing I do know:  even if we don’t, we still feel pain.  Even if people don’t make decisions in this life they will still feel the pain that results from the consequences of those decisions.  So has God really created most of the people on earth just for the sake of them feeling pain forever?  If that’s true then God is evil.  There is nothing more evil than bringing someone to life just so they can be in extreme pain forever.  Yet God has declared Himself righteous AND just.  And since it’s not fair for people to live these short lives in a culture of darkness, ignorance and confusion only to be damned for all eternity for the crimes they committed in their short, confusing life span, in order for God to truly be just, either He will provide every single Hell-bound soul a perfect opportunity to be saved from Hell (in this life or the next) or Hell isn’t as bad as people assume from the limited scripture on it.  Perhaps the lake of fire is only for the Devil and his minions, and perhaps Abraham’s Bosom (“Paradise”) is part of Hell/Sheol, and still the destination of righteous unbelievers just as it always was before Christ’s death.  But regardless, we cannot make any assumptions or treat speculation as dogma.  All we can do is recite what has been given to us from divine revelation (the only source of truth from the only one who really knows).  Therefore anyone who preaches anything other than a Hell of darkness and fire for everyone who doesn’t accept Jesus’ atonement is out of line, because it’s all we know.]

I’m not supposed to judge others and any time I feel indignant and frustrated with others I instantly feel sick in my head and depressed and full of self-pity over the whole situation of myself judging them.  But there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  I am defenseless.  But it’s hard for me to not assume that they aren’t in God’s will when they don’t show signs of surrender, but instead show signs of going with the flow of the world.  This is how it seems to me and so based on my observations I assume.  My assumptions lead to judgment and that leads to frustration and the desire to rebuke.  I think the modern church as it seems to me is in the wrong.  Because I don’t see Christians really living the sacrificial lives of surrender they should be living.  I see Christians going with the flow of America, trapped in the America illusion, pursuing the American Dream just enough that it doesn’t push their Christianity out of bounds.  Christians go with the flow of the world: you are born, go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, have grand kids, retire and die.  The “good Christians” go to church every Sunday, maybe read their bible and pray every day, maybe are a light at their work, maybe a light to their neighbors, maybe they will lead someone to Christ in their lifetimes…but maybe not.  (2/16/10- Just like Jesus’ parable of the talents, Christians today take their talent of salvation and simply bury it.  They keep it, but don’t do anything significant with it so that their lives don’t make much of an impact (their gift of salvation doesn’t multiply), which Jesus harshly rebukes.)
But I feel God has called us to live a life like we are going to die tomorrow.  If we truly are living a life like this then how can we afford to get married, have kids, get stuck in a job, and die on a deathbed when our life and death should be used to make the biggest impact possible.

———–

In the Old Testament God commanded us to “be fruitful and multiply” but in the New Age of the New Covenant Jesus told us whoever can be a eunuch should be a eunuch.  In the beginning, when the earth was empty, God told us to populate the Earth, but it’s not the beginning anymore and the Earth is more than populated; it’s the end and we need to live like it.  Paul said we should remain unmarried if we were still unmarried, because the end was near and we needed to have undivided passions.  But instead I see a church that says “Everyone is supposed to be married except the few who God has specifically called to remain single.”  Still the Bible seems to say “Everyone is supposed to remain unmarried except for the few who God has specifically called to be married.”
So I don’t have a problem with people being married, but I do have a problem with people not even considering celibacy, or being willing to remain unmarried.  This is what frustrates me.  I don’t see this, and so I don’t see how the modern church can possibly be in the right on this subject.  It seems like the modern church doesn’t emphasize us truly living lives of sacrifice and surrender.  It’s like we’re supposed to be surrendered in our finances by giving more than the world does, when in reality true surrender is giving everything we have to God.  And so I believe that every single Christian should only take in the money they need to survive on the bare necessities, and any money spent on vanities or materialism is essentially keeping money from people who need it more than we, and thus killing them.  Therefore the modern church is a lot of murders, by the sin of omission.
Further, while marriage can be justified, I don’t see how anyone can possibly justify procreation.  In the beginning God said, “Be fruitful and multiply” but in the end He said (in the New Testament), “Take care of the orphans and the widows.”  Jesus never advocated having children, nor did Paul, and both of them said it is better to remain unmarried.  The only ones who should be married are those who don’t have self-control over their bodies and basically are the weaker ones in the faith, who aren’t as devout.  Not that I’m bashing being the weaker brother, because some people’s calling is to have constant, intimate accountability and encouragement through companionship, and God created them with this weakness, needing companionship, which is to fulfill the purpose of their creation.  But as far as we know none of the apostles were married, except the ones who were married before being Christians [12013-  1 Cor 9:5 implies perhaps most apostles were married, but not Paul and Barnabas: “Do we not have a right to take along a believing wife, even as the rest of the apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?  Or do only Barnabas and I not have a right to refrain from working?”].  It seems like it would have been the logical thing, based on early scripture, that all the early Christians would remain unmarried, who could help it.

If we are to take up The Bible on its command, we need to take care of the orphans by adopting them, and help the widows by adopting their children which they can’t support themselves.  Basically Jesus didn’t say “have children,” if anything he would have said “adopt children,” and if we are to be truly surrendered Christians, it is our duty to adopt.  But what do Christians do?  Instead of spending their time, money, love and resources on the orphans and widows, they bring new children into the world while the already existing orphans remain dying and Hell-bound.  They play God and bring new souls into existence.  Souls that can never stop existing, and souls that could possibly be sent to Hell forever and curse their parents for ever giving birth to them.  Of course orphans could still go to Hell, but the thing is you didn’t choose for them to come into being, so you can do your best to save them, and if they still go to Hell, so be it, you did all you can do.

————-

Besides accepting Christ’s atonement and being reborn spiritually, the two most significant things a human being in this life can do are give birth to a person and kill a person.  However, killing a person doesn’t take them out of existence, it just sends them into eternity with their current relationship with God fixed, all their sins on their head, and no more chances of redemption.  But giving birth to a person actually brings a soul into existence for the first time, therefore it is the single most powerful and significant thing a person can do.  It’s not a decision to be made based on someone wanting the joys of sex, parenthood, legacy, etc.  It’s not just having a kid, but it’s infinitely deeper than that.  It’s bringing a soul into existence for all eternity never to die.  Once you exist you can never unexist yourself.  Once you become alive, there is nothing you can possibly do to stop being alive.  Procreation is the single most important thing that can ever happen; don’t you think people should treat it like what it is?  But who does?  I don’t know one person who does.  When a person dies and is cast into Hell forever, they will curse their parents for all eternity for bringing them into existence.  After all, it’s not like they had any say in being born.

Instead the most important decision is reduced to a part of life.  One of many.  Just a part of the cycle.  Or at worst it is not a decision at all.  People have no self control and become like animals, possessed by primal, sexual desires.  People play around with it like a game trying to see how far they can get without becoming pregnant, and then it happens and they say, and I quote, “Oops…”  Woops!  We brought another soul into eternity to exist forever and ever and ever and probably go to Hell because we aren’t responsible parents in the area of sex, and so we probably won’t be responsible in raising a child to lead a God-fearing life either.

Because of this, above all my other reasons, I refuse to have children, even if it means castration, so be it.  Do I really believe this or am I just saying it?  (1/28-Yes, I really believe it even if castration is the price of affirming it.)  With something as important as the eternal existence of souls on the line I have no choice but to fight against it.

With that said, upon coming to this conclusion of refusing procreation I didn’t feel at peace with it.  And I wondered am I withholding this from God?  I felt like I had surrendered everything to God, but I asked myself, If God appeared to me right now and commanded me to have a child would I do it?  The answer was No, I wouldn’t.  And that bothered me, and it was then that I realized that in fact nothing happens aside from the will of God, and it’s not like I really have any power to create a soul or bring one into existence.  Only God can do that, so if I were to have a child it would be because God ultimately allowed it and in fact willed it to happen.  No soul exists just because of 2 irresponsible teenagers experimenting sexually and accidentally getting pregnant.

But my question is if you’re not going to have sex, then why get married at all?  Isn’t sex the real reason people get married?  Just like the bible says, it’s better to be unmarried, aka not have sex, aka not have kids.  I guess also people get married just to be with each other all the time, living in the same house without the condemnation of the church.  I refuse to have children which mean I refuse to have sex, so then what’s the point in marriage?  I’d rather just have a companion: more than friends, less than lovers.  And really that’s the thing that makes me even consider marriage:  companionship– having someone with you all the time who knows you intimately for who you are and loves you, in whom you find refuge and accountability and encouragement amidst the struggles of this cold, cruel, cursed world, a fellow child of God, 2 souls fighting the battle together and facing the mysteries of eternity together.  [2/3/10- Another being that you can be as intimate with as mentally, physically and spiritually possible.  They know everything about you and love you, and vice-versa.  The closest you can get to being another person.  While loneliness can be combated with friendship and family, those people can never be as intimate as a lover can be.)   And I have to admit secretly that that is the single most enticing thing on earth.  (And because of that intense attraction towards it I have to completely shut those thoughts out of my mind, lest I give in to the attraction even a little bit and then can’t get out without getting broken down- which is what happens every time, including very recently.  Even writing about it now there’s the potential of jeopardizing my mission by thinking of it, and yet I hope to record this feeling so that I can forget about it, but still have it written somewhere because it’s interesting.]  But isn’t that God?  Shouldn’t that person be God?  Shouldn’t God be the one that satisfies all those needs and fills the void in our life?  And yet God has created our bodies as being incomplete alone, like a puzzle piece made for another puzzle piece.  Or is that just the way we have been conditioned to think?  Can our loneliness be satisfied by friends and family?  Or just by the power and presence of God Himself?

————–

1/14/10- Apparently God is more powerful than Basia after all.  For now I feel at peace and a spirit of joy and contentment beyond all logic or rationality.  This just goes to prove that I have 0 control over my emotions and it is undeniably supernatural why I’m not depressed all of the sudden, as if God just decided to suddenly answer my prayer and change my heart.  I didn’t do anything to make this happen.  I pleaded with God for a long time, often to the point of nearing hysteria, that He would take it away and He wouldn’t, (1/27- my thorn in my flesh) but for some reason He did all of the sudden.  Whereas before I was depressed without companionship, now I really know, and logically feel sound, that I can’t be in a relationship now and I’m content with that, finally.

So I’m not controlling of other people and indignant, condemning of them for their convictions being less than mine, and being less analytical and “devout” as I am.  And I knew you can’t live like that anyways, even though I felt I was right I couldn’t be at peace with being frustrated with them.  I think the only thing you can do is try to encourage them in love to be better than the expectations and standards of the church.

————

Sometimes I get sick of constantly fighting temptations, and I get so tired of the trials of Christianity and the imperfections of this cursed world, and the mind games of God breaking us down and showing us things to the point that I just want to die.  (2/3/10- I want off this rock.)  I just want all of this to be over finally, and so I long for the ending of the world and the return of Christ to rule.  This feeling in turn turns to frustration with the apathy and mediocrity of the modern church that is ultimately pushing back the return of Christ by neglecting our call to fulfill the Great Commission by not truly sacrificing our lives and everything we have to advance the kingdom of God to the best of our abilities.
Just as Jesus said in Matthew 24:14:  “This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.”

[2/3/10- of course that isn’t good motivation for evangelism– frustration, exhaustion, and disgust with the world and its trials and wanting the end to come.]

As it seems to me right now, I think the only people who shouldn’t be foreign missionaries are the people who are loaded and can do more good sponsoring orphans and missionaries, thus fulfilling the Great Commission as a sender.  Right now I’m sponsoring missionaries and orphans, but I’m not loaded so I think God’s will for me is to be a missionary, until the day comes when I become loaded, or can make more of an impact for the gospel in America (i.e. having a major band).

The truth is that every single thing you do affects the ultimate number of souls that will go to Heaven or Hell.

We have been called to be salt and light in a dark and bitter world.

————–

In the darkest of my mental wanderings I started to feel more respect for Osama Bin Laden than for the modern, American church.  While Bin Laden is a fool for being deceived into believing in an unjust, illogical religion like Islam, it is commendable that he believes it in its entirety as truly being the inerrant word of God and he follows it absolutely to the best of his ability, more than the rest of muslims, to the point that he would even lay down his life to obey it.

I believe that God will raise up a generation of celibates and living sacrifices to speed up the spreading of the gospel and thus hasten His return, and maybe He will use me to help this generation rise up.  Though right now with the current state of the church it seems unlikely, but God’s will is at work even now and nothing happens aside from the will of God.  If the American church as a whole is dying or at least slacking, it is because God allows it, otherwise He would change people’s hearts and break them down to the place of surrender they need to be to do his will.

I have had a harsh, critical, judgmental attitude towards the American church as a whole, including my best friends, and this attitude produces in me a feeling of bitterness, anger, frustration, and depression.  Surely anything that produces those side effects can’t be pleasing to God.  While I still stand beside my thoughts as being logical, I can’t justify being angry and judgmental towards anyone.  So I don’t know what to believe because these logical thoughts turn me away from a spirit of love, and surely God-sent beliefs should always produce symptoms of love, joy, peace and compassion.
1/28/10- And who am I to be judgmental of others anyways?  It’s not like I’m perfect.  So what if someone else spends money on video games, but then they go out and witness to people?  I don’t go out specifically to witness to people, even though I give my excess to the poor.  So who is a worse sinner?  One man obeys God in one area and another obeys in another area.  One man sins against God in one area and another sins in another area.  Until I’m perfect I can’t expect people to change.  But that still doesn’t mean that they should stay in their sin and that I shouldn’t encourage them to change.  We all have our own convictions, but it’s true some people should be more convicted than they are, and they’ve allowed the expectations of society to numb their convictions.

I am an idealist.  So I tend to believe that which is most ideal and seems to make the most sense as true.  But in reality, just because something is the most logical conclusion or most ideal doesn’t mean it’s the truth.  There’s only one truth, and it might not make the most sense or be the most logical conclusion.  Yet while you could say that that which seems logical to us might not be the most logical to God, I do believe our view of what is logical and illogical is a reflection of the traits of God who created us in His image.  And so I believe God has put in our minds the ability to distinguish what’s true as being that which is most logical because we reflect the logical nature of God and God has made an ordered and logical world.  But still, God could make something to be true simply because He wants it to be that way, even if it isn’t logical to us.  So just because something’s logical doesn’t necessarily mean it is the truth.

——————

2/1/10
I feel like I am awake and everyone else is asleep.

The convictions are there and the logic is absolutely sound, and yet my heart is not convinced.  If it was truly God’s perfect will for all this to be as it seems it should, then why would it create a feeling of restlessness, frustration, bitterness, confusion, uncertainty and all around uneasiness?  Perhaps because my soul is vexed by knowing the way things should be but seeing the overwhelming state of depravity that is the reality of the American church.  If my convictions were true than why would I struggle so much with loneliness and romance to the point that it plagues my thoughts consistently every day?  Shouldn’t my resolution bring peace and satisfaction through this volition?  As it is, I fear the quiet and silence because I know what lies there in the darkness waiting for me:  My thoughts.  And so I rage against the stillness by surrounding myself with noise and business all the time, even when I sleep, so as to stifle out and drown the negative thoughts and analyzing that waits for me, trying to claim me and bring me down again into the depths.  If I am alone to myself, then I have nothing else to do but think.  And if I think, my thoughts inevitably shift towards criticizing myself and others and thinking about my depravity and loneliness, because right now it is so engraved in my heart and consuming of my mind.  Perhaps because I am the only one who has realized these convictions.  Perhaps it bothers me because I love my brothers and I love God and desperately want the church to be what God has intended and to fulfill God’s purpose.  Since the church is apparently not fulfilling God’s purpose to the degree it should be, it frustrates me and convicts me to the point that I seek to energize it into the place it’s supposed to be.  Perhaps I am plagued by doubt and negative emotions because I am the only one left who isn’t giving in to the American dream, so if other Christians abstained from marriage and settling down (like they were meant to) then I wouldn’t be depressed or lonely, etc.
But as it is, I feel called to live life based on these convictions and not waver due to emotions, so that if I must live a life of misery, so be it.  My sacrifice will please God and instill in others a fire that would not be lit aside from my sacrifice.  Sacrifice is necessary to wake the church up.  God will not let me see decay, for I am sincere in my motives.

——–

2/2/10- For some reason I have this strong desire against settling down and getting married and having kids, raging against the natural, primal desires, as if I were a defunct human.  While I do greatly desire companionship, the thought of marriage and dating and all that entails makes me cringe.  I even hate the word “dating” and “girlfriend”.  Even though marriage at times is appealing, when I think about the details of it (living with someone all the time and having to make them a priority and spend vain, unproductive time with them), I realize, “No, I couldn’t do it.  I’m not made for that,” especially if my convictions would keep that person from living the popular marriage dream of sex and parenthood.  In fact, some of us just aren’t meant to live.  We are born to die.  We are made for the sole purpose of sacrificing our lives for the advancement of the Kingdom.

————-

It looks to me like the age of Earth is coming to a close.  The bible mentions wars and famine and earthquakes frequently occurring in the end.  Of course people were always expecting the end for 2000 years, but in those 2000 years there wasn’t the constant threat of earthquakes and global warming that there is now.  The earth is made to handle a certain amount of people and that limit is being reached[112511-will be reached sooner than we think], along with the technology that all of those people are using that exponentially heats up the earth.  60 years ago the whole earth had 2 billion people and now there are over 6 billion.  Naturally 50 years from now that will be doubled and 50 years from then that will be doubled.  Once you get to the place we are now the population is just unstoppable and exploding, and there’s really nothing we can do because it’s not like people are going to stop having kids.  If everyone on earth of the 6 billion people had 1 kid per couple it would cut the next generation in half, but that’s not going to happen, because people are 1. selfish and 2. have no self control.  [12/9/12- I just have to say after reading this paragraph, that it’s rather ridiculous.]
It only makes sense as we know what happened the last time the world joined together as one body and pushed the limits of science and technology with the Tower of Babel.  Now the world is developing a common language again in English and Latin, and thus breaking past language, culture, and distance barriers to push the limits of nature once again.  As humans inevitably dig deeper and deeper into the study of nature and break God’s laws (abortion, cloning, etc.), God will inevitably have to break down man again from his prideful, god-like status, this time perhaps for the last time.
Thinking about all this is sure to make you feel uneasy and panic, but in reality there’s not much you can do, and you shouldn’t feel that way because this is all part of God’s plan, His story.  The earth has to end sooner or later, and it’s ending.  How did you think it would end?  God sending earthquakes and famines supernaturally on the world?  Just like all other times, the supernatural follows the natural, and the natural is in fact supernaturally-induced.  The Earth is becoming over-populated with people who use technology that sucks up the earth’s resources and ruins the environment, so that when the end wasn’t in sight, now all of the sudden it is foreseeable. But of course the end won’t come until the Gospel is preached to all peoples, and there are still unreached peoples.  I predict that there will be a selfless, sacrificial emergence of Christians who deny themselves marriage and sex and the comforts of this life to advance the kingdom of God rapidly so that the end will come suddenly and unexpected.

———–

I have always had a fire in my bones for confronting and rebuking the modern church and secular culture of America, but now I wonder if this fire could be better used towards another direction- an idea that’s always been in the back of my mind.  The fact is, Americans have an abundant access to the gospel.  At any time an American can say to himself, “Hmmm…I wonder what happens when I die?” and go to a library to research, go to a church on Sunday, go buy a bible for a dollar, and if nothing else surf the web for the truth from the comfort and privacy of their home and find the answers from the plethora of Christian resources.  But God could randomly plant a thought in someone’s head or convict their heart so they search for the truth and find it, whereas if he does that in some countries, even if the people searched for the truth they would have no way to find it, accept by supernatural means.  That, plus the fact that the American masses have been indoctrinated by the false facts of modern “science,” which supposedly point towards an atheistic world, and the overall false classification of “Christian” that most Americans believe they fall under when in reality they don’t, makes the American masses a hard people to convert.  Though God of course can do all things, is it really the best use of our time to continually reach out to this stubborn, apathetic, Christianity-saturated people, when there are peoples that have never heard the Gospel and don’t have access to it?  Like Paul said, “It was necessary that the word of God be spoken to you first; since you repudiate it and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, behold, we are turning to the Gentiles.
47″For so the Lord has commanded us,
‘I HAVE PLACED YOU AS A LIGHT FOR THE GENTILES,
THAT YOU MAY BRING SALVATION TO THE END OF THE EARTH.'”
48When the Gentiles heard this, they began rejoicing and glorifying the word of the Lord; and as many as had been appointed to eternal life believed.”  (Acts 13)

AND
18:6: “But when they resisted and blasphemed, he shook out his garments and said to them, ‘Your blood be on your own heads! I am clean From now on I will go to the Gentiles.’”

AND
28:25: “The Holy Spirit rightly spoke through Isaiah the prophet to your fathers,
26saying,
‘GO TO THIS PEOPLE AND SAY,
YOU WILL KEEP ON HEARING, BUT WILL NOT UNDERSTAND;
AND YOU WILL KEEP ON SEEING, BUT WILL NOT PERCEIVE;
27FOR THE HEART OF THIS PEOPLE HAS BECOME DULL,
AND WITH THEIR EARS THEY SCARCELY HEAR,
AND THEY HAVE CLOSED THEIR EYES;
OTHERWISE THEY MIGHT SEE WITH THEIR EYES,
AND HEAR WITH THEIR EARS,
AND UNDERSTAND WITH THEIR HEART AND RETURN,
AND I WOULD HEAL THEM.”‘
28″Therefore let it be known to you that this salvation of God has been sent to the Gentiles; they will also listen.”

AND
Matthew 21:
43″Therefore I say to you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people, producing the fruit of it.

————-

I have 2 questions, 3 requests:
Questions:
What do I believe that isn’t true?
What changes need to be made in my life?
Requests:
Show me what You want me to do, how to do it, and give me what I need to do it.

//