Realizations

Philosophy in the Middle of the Desert

Mortal Ghost April 1, 2013

Filed under: Terremoto — milesprowers @ 1:12 pm
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I am a ghost. Floating above the world, looking down, looking through.

I have been unplugged from the Matrix. Freed from Plato’s cave. Broken from the earthen chains of gravity.

You think you see me, but you don’t really see Me.  For you see but an apparition, a physical manifestation  of the spiritual within.

I am no longer able to stop and smell the roses, for I cannot see the roses. Whereas the world stops and sniffs the roses because it cannot see the suffering around them.

I am a prophet, a mortal ghost, living on another plane of existence.

Sometimes it is lonely being a ghost, but I know it is lonelier not being one.
Sometimes it is lonely drifting through this carnal world, but lonely freedom is better than communal slavery.

I wander the earth looking for others who have died to this world, yet live within it.

//

 

Living Sacrifices: Celibacy, pt. 1 – Paul’s Reasons for Celibacy/Marriage? November 9, 2011

Filed under: Celibacy,The American Dream — milesprowers @ 10:07 pm
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THE LOGIC BEHIND CELIBACY

*My main goal behind writing a persuasive argument in favor of celibacy is most pointedly (and most realistically) to simply open the average Christian’s mind to the option of celibacy for their consideration. And by using the 2 things we already trust in (divine revelation and logic) to support that option I hope to prove that it’s actually not radical or weird. Not to brainwash you with propaganda so as to join my ranks, but to show you what the Bible has clearly stated about it for 2000 years. Not to encourage you to join some kind of faith-based cult by tugging on your hearts, but to let you see that celibacy in general resonates with our innate sense of logic, so as to seem even more logical than marriage.*

Persecution
I’ve heard it argued that Paul was specifically talking about his era when referring to staying single because of how extreme the “present distress” was (1 Cor 7:26). But at the time Paul wrote that the persecution hadn’t even reached the peak it would in later years. And if he referred to the future, then was he only referring to until the 4th century when Christianity stopped being persecuted in the Roman Empire? Is that when Christians started marrying suddenly? So now that we’re not living in “present distress” in our country is it suddenly okay to live carefree lives, marrying and living comfortably in our pursuit of happiness like in the Old Covenant? Those early centuries of persecution were no doubt terrible, but were they anymore extreme than the persecution still going on right now in the world?

I wonder if the fact that we’re not personally being persecuted means we’re not living like we’re supposed to. How can we justify living a life of leisure when our brothers in the world are STILL living in persecution like the early church? Shouldn’t we forsake the excess resources which afford us a luxurious lifestyle to turn our lives and resources toward the alleviation of current persecution? If we did this we would feel the effects of persecution personally.

But really what does persecution have to do with celibacy anyways? I suppose it’s because a wife could do more harm than good in a persecution-inclined culture where your responsibility as a husband could collide with your responsibility to the ministry– as portrayed in the following joke:

What do you call a missionary’s wife in the 10/40 window? A bargaining chip.

My point is just that the logic behind celibacy goes far beyond persecution. Are the people right now who are being persecuted like the early church called to celibacy more than we? No, I think the point of Paul advocating celibacy is because the end is near. We don’t know when it is and so we need to live as if the end is tomorrow. And if the world’s ending tomorrow why would we get married, and especially have kids? Is that what Jesus advised us to do? No, just the opposite! He actually spoke woes to them that do, as he said in Matt. 24:19: “But woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days!” He doesn’t encourage people to keep living life like it’s always been, but instead to stop and prepare for the end. “Yeah, but people have thought it’s the end for thousands of years.” Wow, do you so quickly take the side of those “mockers in the last days” who say “Where is this second coming?” It’s that conviction of the end being nigh which continues to push the gospel ever forward despite the dangers.  Without that we wouldn’t have even gotten this far.

For “…they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark, and they did not understand until the flood came and took them all away; so will the coming of the Son of Man be.” –Matthew 24:38-39

Lack of Self-Control
Personally speaking, most of the time I don’t struggle with lust and romantic longing, but occasionally I do.  And in those times I‘m shaken to my core, to the point I would consider throwing away all my commitments, calling, and logic for companionship.  For what’s the point of celibacy if you’re too depressed to be productive–which was the whole point of being celibate?  Those times when I have given in to romance are easily the worst parts of my whole life; nearly all the valleys in my life’s vicissitudes are the direct result of romantic deprivation.  But it’s important to note that these valleys almost exclusively come after being around women which arouse a desire in me which I don’t want to fulfill.  It’s not being by myself that makes me lonely; it’s the angst of being without something I suddenly desire that so greatly depresses me.  I think if I were distanced from women (and romantic allurement) and had friends/family with me to keep me from loneliness (through accountability/fellowship) I would still struggle just like everybody does (priests, monks, apostles), but not enough to consider marriage as my calling.

You may think, “If he were really called to celibacy then he wouldn’t struggle with it.”  But doesn’t everybody struggle with it?  Isn’t that the way we were originally designed so as to populate the Earth?  All I know is if the Bible says Jesus was tempted in every way then surely he was tempted by the most tempting of human desires (romance and sex).  And if Jesus was tempted, of course a mere mortal like Paul would be, too.  I don’t see why Paul’s thorn in the flesh wouldn’t have been something like the temptation of those intense romantic or sexual passions he fought against yet still couldn’t shake.  I know during my past (and current) crushes I’ve begged God more than 3 times to take it away (to no avail I might add).  And yet Paul’s own romantic and sexual temptations weren’t enough to persuade him toward advocating marriage; it was in spite of them that he encouraged celibacy. Paul and the prophet Jeremiah (Jeremiah 16) are the only people in Scripture I can think of whose call to celibacy was clearly, biblically-ordained, and yet if even Paul (the main advocate of celibacy) struggled against those temptations then why wouldn’t we also (who would be blessed to become even half of what Paul was)?  The struggle isn’t a clear indicator of your calling.

Is molestation at the hands of priests a sign that God never intended people to be celibate?  I don’t think so.  Maybe it’s a sign that we weren’t intended to make vows of lifelong celibacy.  Because it would have been better for those men to have been married all along than to be set apart to God only to end up burning with passion anyway and that passion being forced to manifest itself through a perverted outlet.  I think it’s these situations Paul is referring to in 1 Corinthians 7:9 which justify marriage.

You get the impression from reading that passage that the only thing Paul considers worthy to justify a marriage is lack of self-control (as if you would inevitably sin more without marriage to legalize your lustful thoughts and actions).  But is he justifying the lack of self control itself?  Isn’t this just a cop-out for sin?
“I have the choice between surrendering every area of my life to Christ’s discipline or giving in to my lust by justifying it with marriage?… That’s a no-brainer!”
That’s kind of like justifying your gambling problem because you donate the money you get to missions.  You don’t do anything to fix your self-control problem, but just get married only to find out later that your burning passions are too large to be righteously satisfied in marriage, and now you’re tempted by sins worse than the fornication you were tempted with before marriage.  Marriage won’t cure a lustful heart.

I used to think (as most men do) that living a lust-free life is not possible, it’s just part of a man’s daily life.  And I freely confess that I still struggle against my day dreams and wandering eyes (sometimes giving in), but I also confess that I know what it’s like to be broken free from the bondage of lust, and it’s so much better than any temporary ecstasy that has such addictive baggage.  I can only speak for myself, but God in his amazing grace allows me to break free from lust and then sustains me for extended periods of time (see my essay, “How To Overcome Lust“).  In those anti-lust streaks I don’t mean that I simply refrained from having sex or making out or looking at porn or masturbating, what I mean is I never even entertained a lustful temptation in my head!  I’m hesitant to even share that lest I be judged as being prideful, or lest people say “That’s a clear sign you’re called to celibacy; as for me I could never do that so I must not be.”  But I share that for the sake of telling you firsthand from experience that, in a society where Christians don’t really think it’s possible not to lust, it IS possible, and I don’t think escaping the sin of lust should be anyone’s determining reason for getting married. Sex will fade, and then what’s left in your marriage if that’s the main thing that brought you two together?

Lust is what keeps us on the same level as animals, and keeps us from being on the same level as angels.

And so people say, well, I struggle with lust so I must be called to marriage.  But Paul’s not saying marriage is for people who simply struggle with lust, but rather people who can’t control themselves enough to not have sex and commit fornication.  It’s better to be married than to sin by having sex outside of marriage.  This justification is for the people who know their extreme tendencies and are smart enough to recognize their weaknesses and beat them to it. Though I think a sex-based marriage will always be less successful than a ministry-based marriage of people who developed self-control before getting married.

 

Living Sacrifices: Celibacy, pt. 3 – Against Procreation

Filed under: Celibacy — milesprowers @ 10:05 pm
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Reproduction: Sin of Omission
Even in the times when I’m tempted by marriage it always inevitably comes back to the same wall, which is procreation. Some people are against birth control because it’s unnatural, goes against God’s purpose of sex (“spilling the seed” so to speak), or if nothing else because it’s been proven to cause abortions by accidentally killing the embryo after conception, just a tad too late. However, the reason I’m against it is because it’s not 100% effective. There’s still a slight chance life could be conceived. I feel strongly that to have a baby is the sin of omission. In other words, in a world like ours where over 2/3 the world is on their way to Hell, how can we leave all those innocent, dying children out in the cold by bringing in new children? Brand new souls who will never know starvation, or likely damnation, to lavish on them all the love, support, and basic needs we could’ve given to the ones already here and already without it, the ones who likely won’t ever get it. And the reason they won’t get it is mainly because of us keeping it from them.

It’s not just giving to the needy, it’s giving the opportunity of salvation to those on their way to Hell (who are dying faster than Americans, by the way); it’s the Great Commission. So what, instead we give our amazing gift of Christian parenthood to souls we make from scratch, who otherwise wouldn’t exist to go to Hell? What is so beneficial and selfless so as to entice people to have babies? Desires to live a life that’s physically and emotionally fulfilling in every way? Experiencing the joys of sex? Pregnancy? Parenthood? Passing on good genes? Legacy?  The only things I can think of are not selfless– they’re selfish. It’s all about you. It’s not even about the baby.

Q: “What about raising a godly family to impact the degrading society?”
But is that even a truly noble goal? Of course saving people from a life of starvation, oppression, and spiritual blindness is among the noblest of endeavors, but raising a family itself? Perhaps the end result is noble, but nothing in the means of getting there. And the end result is still less noble than other options. Godly parenthood is so time-consuming that you might as well be living a life of solitude in your homey comfort-zone, away from the world outside that threatens the safety of your family. Again, a huge temptation- as in the temptation to protect your children from evil and danger (as is your responsibility as a parent). But at the expense of actually being a light out in the world, so that you and your godly family are absent from the world, making it just as well that you and your godly family weren’t godly at all or even in the world in the first place. It’s kind of extreme, but I wonder if parents rightly trying to fulfill their responsibility of being a good parent end up being so consumed by it that they themselves are made almost useless for ministry themselves. Almost as if they’re hiding from ministry behind their children saying, “Well, it’s too late for me. I’m too overwhelmed to minister now, but I’m raising up godly children who will be able to do what I couldn’t.” Putting off their own responsibility of ministry on someone else, as if expecting their kids to make the sacrifices they weren’t willing to make.
[Of course that argument breaks down somewhat because a father still spends his time being a light at his job, may actually be full-time in the ministry, and does have some free time to minister, especially when his kids are older and out of the house. Still it’s an interesting point worth noting, and I do think there is truth to it.]
A: What could make more of an impact and be a testimony of Christianity than adoption.

I can’t think of a single good reason to have your own children instead of adopting.  You don’t know that that soul you’re bringing into existence will be saved, and if that soul you brought into eternity is damned for eternity it will be better if it had never been born.  If you want to raise up a godly legacy and leave behind salt in the world why not raise up the souls who are already in existence, already in eternity and soon to be judged, and who will go to Hell if you don’t adopt them?

“But adoption is so expensive!”
Then adopt from America.
I mean, in the U.S. they pay you to adopt! As is the case with being a foster parent. American adoption is less ideal because American orphans have infinite more resources and opportunities for life and salvation than 3rd world orphans, but there’s still a desperate need.  American orphans and foster kids are more likely to live broken adult lives after having broken childhoods, thus multiplying the slippery slope in America.  If you really wanted to “impact the degrading society” wouldn’t you try to fix it yourself instead of just leaving behind salt to take care of it?  Society is degrading at an exponential rate because the people who are degrading it are also having all these kids who will do the same (just in greater numbers now), and so on.  If you really cared so much about America then why wouldn’t you step in and stop the cycle?
Jesus never said be fruitful and multiply. No, he said take care of the widows and orphans for the end is near.

Here’s my question:
What good for society and the Great Commission does romance and sex produce?

I’m not against marriage, in fact I think that the greatest defense for marriage is the prospect of adoption (which wouldn’t be nearly as effective outside of marriage). But I am against procreation, and thus against sex. What greater temptation to have sex is there than marriage? Where suddenly satisfying your God-given desires and experiencing the single greatest physical euphoria of your life is not only legal, but encouraged. Of course I guess you don’t actually have to have sexual intercourse to satisfy your sexual desires, which is how it’d be with my marriage. But who would be up for that? I mean, sure, give up going out to eat, but SEX?!?!

To be married is to sleep in the same bed which is to inevitably have sex sub-consciously.  So if you don’t plan on having sex and thus don’t take birth control then you can’t sleep in the same bed or you’ll accidentally have sex while not fully awake, when you aren’t conscious enough to choose to restrict your body’s primal instinct.  So what are you going to do, be married yet sleep in separate beds or rooms?  I say there’s no point in even being married, you should just be engaged for life.  “This is my fiancee with a ring on her finger; she’s off limits.” And that’s it. (…a cheap ring of course.  ;))

Having such ideals as these make it seem marriage is not God’s will for me, or others with whom this essay resonates in their souls, and thus why torment yourself longing for the perfect mate that fits all of these requirements when it’s inconceivable aside from God’s sovereignty? Rather we are called to be content in our lives of sacrifice and obedience, longing for the Spirit alone, and if it’s God’s will to confound the improbability of a soul mate then it’s up to Him and He will do it in His time by His means, one way or another. I mean, it’s not like we’re celibates for ourselves, in spite of God’s real calling that we’re denying.  If we are celibate for ourselves, then we are in sin.

We are the ones who will discontinue our surnames, the dead ends of the family tree.

Nor let the eunuch say, “Behold, I am a dry tree.” 4 For thus says the LORD, “To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths, And choose what pleases Me, And hold fast My covenant, 5 To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, And a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off.”  Isaiah 56:3

The Great Commission vs. The Great Omission
What is the sin of omission? It’s the sin of not doing something you were supposed to. In that sense, not feeding the starving keeps them starving. Not saving someone who is dying is murder. If you can’t afford foreign adoption but can afford reproduction/procreation then why not give that money to sponsor a child who needs it more?  Through Compassion International and other ministries you can pay to have a child get fed, clothed and shown love and the Gospel in a 3rd world country where they might not have any of those things otherwise. Why waste the resources they need by making a new soul? Why keep them out in the cold, starving, just so you can create a little you? The ultimate selfishness. Don’t you know that these people will either live or die by your choice to aid them or not?  When these people live on a dollar a day, you have the choice of going out to eat tonight or letting 10 people live another day, who will die if you don’t. That puts everything into perspective. Shouldn’t that be our whole life’s perspective? Sponsor 3 children for the price of your one hypothetical American, Christian one.

Let’s be liberal for a moment and assume that there are 50 million Christian couples in America right now. If each of those American couples adopted or even just sponsored one foreign child that would be 50 million people taken out of their dark, hopeless fate. If they each adopted 2 children that would be 100 million souls removed from the road to Hell and raised on the road to Heaven, with abounding opportunities for salvation and the personal examples to make those opportunities extremely persuasive. And it doesn’t just have to be Americans that adopt.

It’s a little haunting to note that of all the things God could teach man during his time on earth, one of the main things he stressed was the necessity of helping “the least of these.” His emphasis on this in Matthew 25 was so stern that he warned those who neglected this duty as being in danger of Hell.

//

 

How To Overcome Lust November 8, 2011

Filed under: Celibacy — milesprowers @ 10:37 am
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[Written especially on 8178, 62511, 112311 as stemming from Living Sacrifices: Celibacy, pt. 1, and finishing additions on 224-2513]

*DISCLAIMER: The following essay is a completely honest look at how lust operates and how to overcome it, thus awkward, graphic, personal details are mentioned in exchange for helping people to break free.  It is written with an audience of single men in mind. I guess I picked now to finish this essay because I happen to be going through a lust-free time of my life and I feel less hypocritical posting it.*

  • Definition of lust: An extreme, excessive, indulgent desire for something.
  • My definition of lust: desiring that which you should not, will not, or cannot have.

Why is lust wrong?

1st because it makes you to suffer, as you are in agony desiring something which you cannot, or will not, or should not have.  Lust is similar to coveting and both are wrong for the same reasons.
2nd because it distracts you, divides your mind so that you can’t focus on God, life, etc.  It divides/distracts your heart so that you don’t have as much passion to do the things you are supposed to do, because you have passion for something else besides your calling (what you’re supposed to be doing) also.  Divided passions.  So that when you do what you’re called to do, your heart isn’t completely in it to make the best product, your mind isn’t completely in it to make it the best product (through analyzing how to make it really best).  You have 2 passions: one is fulfilled partially by completing a watered-down version of your calling; and the other one (the lust) isn’t fulfilled at all.  So what’s the point?
3rd because it’s pointless.  You desire something you cannot have so you never get it, you just waste your time and passion wanting it for the sake of wanting it.  There’s no point in entertaining your desires for something if you will not or should not ever get it.  Why not desire something you can have now and work to get it so that your desire is satisfied?  Think about something that will produce something to benefit God and others.
4th because it cannot be satisfied.  Lust is desiring something you cannot have.  So if you desire the unattainable your desire will never be satisfied because it will never be attained.  The more you think about it, the more you will want it and the more you will think about it.  The more you entertain it, the more you think about it and want it, so that it’s all the harder to suppress, all the harder to break free from, all the harder to regain complete focus (possibly ever again) or any focus at all.  All the harder to fulfill your calling as best you can, if at all.
5th because it makes you defenseless to temptation.  Desiring evil makes you more likely to actually do the evil which you desire, and if you do ever get what you desire, then you screwed up and have sinned.  Because the only reason what you’re doing is considered lust is because you are desiring something you should not (whether it is impossible, unprofitable, or abominable).  No one desires something simply for desiring it and then leaves it alone.  If I entertain fantasies of lust in my mind, that same state of mind exists in the real world so that my eyes look the same places they do in my mind, when given the opportunities to.  And if my desires make me, in my thoughts, do things I shouldn’t, when Evil presents those opportunities in reality I will be all the more likely to give in to those same temptations I already gave into in my mind.  I’m at least more likely than if I already resisted those temptations in my mind and have set my mind against entertaining those thoughts and the actions that follow.  The more you give into lust, the more you want it, the more it controls you, and so the less you can resist it.  You cannot logically reason with your desires when your mind isn’t sober (intoxicated from being under the influence of your physical desires).  You cannot control your desires when they control you.

Lust: Desiring that which is impossible, unprofitable, or abominable.

Why is lust wrong?
1: Pointless
2: Insatiable
3: Suffering
4: Distraction
5: Defenseless

or P.I.S.D.D. (perhaps in order of severity)

 ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Abstaining from entertaining your body’s natural sex drive seems unfair at times, especially because it’s like you have an “intense euphoria button” on your body right next to where your hand naturally lies, but you’re not supposed to press it.  It’s like taking someone whose favorite food is chocolate and putting a piece of it in their mouth and telling them not to eat it.

I used to think (as most men do) that living a lust-free life is not possible, it’s just part of a man’s daily life.  And I freely confess that I still struggle against my day dreams and wandering eyes (sometimes giving in), but I also confess that I know what it’s like to be broken free from the bondage of lust, and it’s so much better than any temporary ecstasy that has such addictive baggage.  I can only speak for myself, but in my own life, solely by God’s amazing grace, he chose at 3 different times to keep me from lust for over 6 months.  By that I’m not saying that I didn’t have sex, make out, look at porn, or masturbate in those allotments of time, what I’m saying is I never even entertained a lustful temptation in my head nor was I sexually stimulated once.  I could get into the specifics of this topic, but even in such a personal essay as this there are still some things too personal for the internet.  I’m hesitant to even share that lest I be judged as being prideful.  And actually it’s to my shame that I’m even astonished at those streaks, because I should be lust-free all the time, and also because it means I’m comparing myself to others.  But I share this for the sake of telling you firsthand from experience that, in a society where Christians don’t think it’s possible not to lust, it IS possible to live a life where you don’t give into lust.

I remember those days well when I was so consumed with lust that my eyes would glaze over and I couldn’t even see straight (literally/physically-speaking) and I’d almost get in car-wrecks my thoughts were so distractingly powerful and vivid.  But lust is an addiction, and just like any other addiction it needs to be fed more and more to get the same buzz until finally it’s so powerful that it rules you and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop.  I’ve been there and I’ve found that after many failed attempts to get rid of the addiction the only thing I can do is fall to my knees and cry, “God, be merciful to me a sinner.” That’s when God gives you just a spark of motivation to break free, and at that moment you have the choice of staying on that road of addiction (to whatever danger it leads) or turning around and starting on the road to freedom. However hard it is, it’s at least possible (whereas before it was impossible).  In that moment your choice will determine your future.  If you act on that little bit of motivation then more motivation will follow, which leads to more and more motivation, until finally you arrive at the place where resisting lust is natural and you don’t have to actively fight against it.  Lust is something you will be tempted by and must fight against every single day of your whole life, but you can get to a place (by God’s grace) where you genuinely don’t want it and constantly rejecting it is just another part of life.

Quicksand:

Lust reminds me of quicksand (though the analogy breaks down in many aspects).  You’re caught off guard by it, and give in just a little thinking it’s not a big deal, and then you give in again (more so than the first time), and ever so slowly you start sinking, getting deeper and deeper in it.  Where at first you have enough free will and control to choose to get out of it, eventually the fight to get out is too hard and exhausting.  Maybe one day you’ll be motivated to fight against it, and you’ll start breaking free, but the next day you’re too tired and sink back where you were before.  Then, realizing your dangerous situation, you’ll be motivated to fight it, but you can’t even make it a day now.  Finally you get to the point where you realize you are too far gone to get out now and just give up.  Still you are in greater pain now than you ever were before and want out, but realizing you can’t fight it any more, realizing your ultimate depravity, all you can do is cry out to God to save you.  It’s then when you give up that you start to float to the top.  God throws you down a rope that you can choose to grab on to, and while almost impossible at first (though not impossible), every small pull you take in the right direction is one easier step out, until it becomes easier and easier and finally, by the grace of God, you get to the top. However, on your way out if you stop climbing even once, you start to sink back down.  Even when you are at the top, as soon as you stop fighting you start gradually, ever so slowly, sinking back down again. I don’t think you ever get out completely in your whole life, but you can be on top where you aren’t sinking, fighting it is easier, and it’s tug on you is less powerful.

This analogy is the same for any form of addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, food, sexuality, etc.

Getting Past The Breakers:

From personal experience I found that once I reach my depravity (when I become a slave to lust) and cry out to God from the bottom, I wake up the next morning with a strange feeling of stability and an active desire to fight against lust.  While it is still at every corner, behind every thought, now I suddenly have the desire (and ability) to say “No!” and so begins the fight of not giving in to even one thought (lest I fall back to the bottom, as is the case with any addiction). The first day is the hardest, and then the second is a little easier, and the third easier still, until you’re ecstatic and begin to taste freedom.  Approximately a month down that road is the second biggest challenge, for this is when you start to say to yourself, “I’ve got it nipped in the bud.”  It’s then that your guard is down and that whole month’s worth of suppressed desires comes back in one last desperate attempt to reclaim you.  And since you let your guard down you don’t have the motivation/barriers needed to fight against it and you inevitably give into it that one time and BAM! you’re back on the bottom, depraved and enslaved again.
There have been so many times when I made it to that one month mark and started to entertain some pride (as if I had anything to with it) and then out of nowhere got ambushed by a temptation I couldn’t resist, and had no defense against its offense.
The keys to freedom are:
1.  Recognize that it is merely by God’s grace that you have the motivation to fight against lust (as if you could choose when to be motivated).
2.  Resist every single lustful thought, and even thoughts that are associated with/could become lustful thoughts.  Thinking about sex isn’t lust, desiring it is. But thinking about sex can easily present you with the thought of desiring it.  I’ve boiled it down as far as I can and realized that the road to sexual bondage begins the very first time you’re presented with a mental temptation, and you think “Yes” instead of “No.”  Basically, it’s the first time you desire it, saying, “I want it,” instead of “I don’t want it.”
3.  Curiosity = Lust.  Kill your curiosity and you kill lust.  “I’m not going to check her out, but I’m just curious to see what she is wearing.”  Or you think, “Is she really wearing that in church?” and your eyes go over and then the image is in your head. You need to get to the point where you don’t even look to see if that image in the corner of your eye (whether that be a real person or an internet ad) is an attractive female or not.

Yes, this means you might have to be a jerk at times.  I personally don’t even look at attractive women if I don’t have to, even if that means walking by one on the sidewalk and rudely checking my phone or looking the other way.  But better to be a jerk than a pervert, as I always say.  I personally try to stay away from women in general as much as I can, unfortunately that isn’t an option for many men, and you have to be around temptation in your life.  So your struggle is probably greater than my own.  But I do still have to go to church once a week, and I wish I could say that church is a safe haven from temptation, but unfortunately it’s the opposite.  I find that that’s the time I’m most tempted all week (and often results in me stumbling later).  One thing’s for sure: there’s more cleavage in my church than in my office.  What are these girls thinking?  Who tries to be sexy at church?  How can they not realize they are causing other Christians to sin in the one place that should be a refuge from sin.

Sundry Advice:

Not to compare myself with others, but I assume I struggle with lust less than the majority of Christian males.  This is probably because my interaction with females is only a few times a week, if at all, and I don’t watch tv, movies, play video games, surf the web, watch random youtube videos or engage in other situations usually designed to stimulate one’s sexuality. And as ridiculous as it may sound, I think things like wearing boxers (as opposed to boxer-briefs) make it more likely for stimulation to occur.

I don’t know the science behind it, but I’d imagine that certain foods make your sex drive more active.  As well, I know from personal experience that if you are sleep deprived, your mind isn’t as alert and you are less likely to be on guard and remember how to combat temptations.

“Go to the Praying Mantis thou whoremonger and consider her ways!”

One more analogy from nature.  Consider the praying mantis.  After the male and female copulate it is customary for the female to… bite off the male’s head.  Hmmmmm.  What’s up with that, Darwin?  I wonder why the males go in for it, knowing that it will cost their lives.  Is it really worth it?  A few minutes of ecstasy for an eternity of not living anymore?  It seems so foolish and outrageous…until you consider that human males aren’t much different.  Consider the people involved in sexual promiscuity and homosexuality, even though they know it’s likely they’ll contract AIDS (which is arguably worse than getting your head bitten off).

If someone came up to you and said, “Come over here and be still while I stab you with this butcher knife,” no one would obey.  But if a supermodel came up to you and said, “Come over here and have sex with me… and then I’m going to stab you with a butcher knife,” you might at least think it over.  Why is that?  What is so powerful about this non-material thing that people would risk pain for it?  “Hmmmmm,” some might say.  “Is it just one stab?”  And honestly, as outlandish as it sounds, I wonder if some men are so lost in lust that they would actually do it.  Maybe they’d say, “I’ll get away before I get caught,” or maybe even, “I’ll heal.”  Still there are some sad souls who wouldn’t even think at all saying, “Oh well.  Whatever.”  Wake up!  You’re getting stabbed with a flippin’ butcher knife!  Look at the reality of the situation!

Likewise, though on a less extreme level, are the few exciting minutes of giving in to lust or porn or masturbation worth the ensuing misery of slavery that follows?
Giving In:

For me personally, the only unavoidable situation for lust (also where it’s most contagious) is the beach where I go for a week annually.  Often it has been my goal to go a whole week there lust-free, but it has yet to happen.  And many times the beach week has marked the end of one of my lust-free streaks. I recall one year where I was passionately motivated to remain free from lust, but after the first day of being in the sun with bikini girls all around (and remaining pure), all I could do was just lay in bed at night fighting the thoughts and I eventually just got tired and threw all conviction to the wind letting my eyes and mind go crazy that week.  However, that initial motivation for purity was bred out of recently breaking free from a cycle of lust, and unfortunately I wasn’t far along enough in my purity.  The barriers hadn’t had time to be fortified enough, and so my defenses were easier to break down.  Whereas if I’d gone a month or 2 without lusting, it would have been harder for me to go back to that lustful mindset, and taken more time to break down my defenses.

However, even when I wasn’t struggling with wandering eyes at the beach, I found that one of the biggest stumbling blocks is boredom.  After a day or 2 of swimming in the ocean and being in awe by it, it just gets boring.  When you have to choose between being pure and sitting around bored, or easily giving in to the orgasmic world all around you which is instantly exciting and euphoric, now that’s a tough one.

I’m pretty sure every time my lust-free-streak was broken it had nothing to do with media, but was a time when I was presented with a temptation in real life and thought to myself, “This is just too go to pass up.”  If you ever catch yourself thinking that then your are doomed.  Good bye freedom, hello months of miserable bondage.  Once you give in to look one time, your sex drive sparks and everything in you wants to grow that euphoria as much as it will go (if nothing else for curiosity’s sake), and once the image is in your head it doesn’t matter if she’s not even around anymore, she’s still there in your head tempting you.  And once the sex drive gets going, there’s no way to righteously satisfy that.

This usually entails me going about my daily, pure life and then suddenly seeing a random, gorgeous girl with a revealing top bend over right in front of me so I can see everything.  Then I have to force my eyes away, and then keep them away.  That’s tough.  That very situation is was what ended my streak on a mission trip I was on, and then another time at a bowling alley.  And the months that followed were months of slavery.

Fighting the thought before it’s in your head:

As soon as you start to think “What if…” you must recognize what’s coming and rebuke that thought.  This is very hard to do when lust is something your mind and heart are used to, but if you go several weeks or so of cutting out lust from your system, you’ll be amazed at how much control over your mind you suddenly have.  It’s amazing to find that you can actually tell when a lustful thought is coming before it even pops in your head.  It’s like your body detects some foreign feeling stirring that it’s not used to.  You can just feel it, and you have to fight it right then, before you visualize it/think about it, while it’s still just a feeling.  It’s like you can feel a thought forming, or leading to another thought, or you can feel your tendencies kicking in.  Sometimes you feel a tendency towards lust in a primal, physical desire form, or sometimes a tendency towards rebellion/breaking the rules/doing whatever you want/being wild. Sometimes you can feel a tendency towards thinking about something you’re not supposed to and then your mind races to think of something you consider taboo (once it realizes it’s trying to think of something considered forbidden it’s very hard to stop it from finding something forbidden, as your brain is designed to automatically connect the dots).  I find what helps is when I feel a sinful thought coming (before it’s even visualized) I close my eyes and focus on God, like I’m focusing my attention on another person, and dwell on the holy thought of him or ask him to rebuke this coming evil.  And still other times you can feel a tendency towards apathy (not being willing to fight whatever thought pops into your mind).  It’s those times of apathy when you are in trouble and you have to recognize your potential danger, and even though you aren’t feeling it with your heart (which is what makes it apathy), cry out for help to God with your mind (though there’s no heart behind your prayer).
I can’t speak for other addictions, but I assume the addiction of sexual lust sums up addiction/lust as a whole.  It’s easy to become indignant toward people who smoke/do drugs/drink/fornicate, etc.  But the truth is when you’re addicted you do not have the choice of “Am I going to do this or not?”  You just do it. There’s no reasoning behind it, no logic.  You’ll have spurts of motivation and conviction that make you realize what you’re doing is wrong and then you try to fight it.  You’re convinced by all the logic against it and say, “I refuse to do that again.  Now I’m going to start fighting it.”  Until 5 minutes later when the temptation inevitably pops into your head and you have no way to fight against it, so you give into it yet again.  It’s become a part of your life like eating or even breathing.  Even when you’re not actually engaged in the activity you’re addicted to you’re thinking about it.  All the day.  All the time.  It is pure misery. Torture.
It gets to the point where it doesn’t even bring you any buzz or relief, but you just have to do it to get it out of your system, so you can get back to living life with at least some normalcy and being able to focus on things other than the addiction for a while.  While I can’t speak for other addictions, I have experienced the addiction-to-freedom cycle of lust, and I assume that the same steps involved in breaking free from the addiction of lust are similar to breaking free from any other addiction (even anxiety, romance, etc.).

“Lust neutralizes your spiritual potential.”
Some advice, as was advised to me by one of my spiritual accountability partners: “Don’t set goals in being lust-free.  Focus on right now.”  Someone told me once he heard if you can go 21 days without giving into your addiction you’ll be broken free, and yet he could never make it to that.  But even if you make it past the breakers (as I mentioned previously about the first month of breaking free), all it takes is one day and you’re back to the very bottom.  Sometimes it’s more gradual than that, but all it takes is that one thought you subconsciously give in to because your defense was let down/worn down, and then from there on it’s harder to resist each thought after that.  Don’t say, “Oh, if I can only make it past the breakers of a month,” or “Let’s see how long this lust-free-streak can go.”  It’s not about going a long time without lust; it’s about fighting it moment by moment, day to day, so that it becomes just another daily discipline.

I find that whenever I start counting/trying to figure out how many days/months I’ve gone without it that I start to lose my endurance and motivation to fight anymore.  And of course I give in again, sometimes after months of being free.  Maybe embracing pride causes you to rest (letting your guard down) and psychologically relaxes your defenses to make you more apathetic, or maybe it’s just a rule God holds you to, “Pride comes before a fall.  God hates pride, so if you have pride, he will bring you down.”

The story that often comes to my mind, whenever I number “my” achievements, is when King David numbered the people in his kingdom (Israel).  Though he wasn’t doing anything that was obviously wrong or breaking some clear command, he was acting in pride, taking credit for something God did.  And God surprisingly took a great offense to it (and proceeded to slaughter thousands of random Israelites until he repented).  Then again pride is commonly regarded as the worst of all sins (because it puts us in God’s place), as was Lucifer’s sin that got him kicked out of Heaven and made him the prince of darkness, the personal symbol of Pride.

My Current Status:
As of right now, by God’s grace (and I say this cautiously lest I get smacked back down to addiction in order to humble my pride, as has happened before), I am not ruled by addiction.  Whenever I get to these times I think back to when I was living a life of bondage and some of the things I thought and did, and I’m appalled and can’t fathom how I could ever come to that place where I’m numbed to the point of justifying doing those things.  And I can’t imagine ever doing them again.  And yet inevitably I always fall back into it, and gradually as the addiction takes over more and more of me and becomes a regular part of my life for an extended period of time, then in those times of bondage I’ll think back to when I was free and it doesn’t seem real to me (just like when I was in freedom looking back on bondage that didn’t seem real), because I can’t imagine life being like that, being any other way than this.  And in both of those scenarios (freedom and bondage) I think to myself, this is the norm and accept it.

My current strategy for avoiding lust is to simply not think about sex or lust or how long my lust streak has been, etc.  Don’t even entertain anything that could be associated with lust, or give it the time of day.  When I drive down the road or check emails and see what looks like it could be a sexual ad I don’t even find out, but distract myself from it, scroll past it, squint my eyes and cover that part of the screen.  Some of you might think this post is excessive or over-hyped, but say what you want, one thing’s for sure: I’m living the sweet life of freedom from bondage.  And while this advice may be extreme (and not as applicable to men in a steady relationship), I think extreme measures need to be taken to break an addiction (though those same measures may not have to remain as extreme to maintain freedom after the addiction is initially broken).  But if taking ridiculous steps is what I need to do to remain free I’m more than happy to do it.  At least until the beach.  😉
Praying_Mantis_Sexual_Cannibalism_European-26

 

Let’s Get Radical! (aka devout) December 9, 2010

Filed under: Celibacy,Christianity/Theology/Spirituality,The American Dream — milesprowers @ 4:39 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

[DISCLAIMER: the views hereby expressed were done so in an unstable frame of mind and thus are not necessarily the currently held views of the author (hence being pushed to the end of the blog); nevertheless, enough interesting points were made to merit putting its entirety on display for the world.  Perhaps you should consider reading this like one of David’s more pessimistic psalms.  Written between 1/12/10 and 2/16/10, with edits on 12/9/12]

For some reason I actually feel pretty good right now and at peace and happy, because there is the Basia song “Promises” playing in my head.  But nonetheless I’m writing this because the rest of the day up to now I was in misery, struggling with depression and instability of mind, the result of not being able to stop analyzing or not controlling my thoughts and emotions.  So at the risk of losing this rare, good feeling, I think the thoughts I was thinking today were very interesting and worth recording.

Allow me to ask a possibly heretical question:  Is Basia more powerful than God?  I beg and plead with God to give me peace inside, and focus on Him and to stop being depressed and longing and to stop thinking so deeply which always ends up making me depressed, longing, full of self-pity (which is always the thing that leads to near tears), and really to just stop thinking in general and just be happy to be alive….but nothing happens.  The thoughts and analyzing keep going, completely out of my control and inevitably my thoughts and emotions get worse and worse until I can’t even work at my job, and I get closer to hysteria.  But then I think about Basia and all of the sudden when her songs play in my head, everything I had been feeling the whole day instantly vanishes with 0 traces and I feel happy all of the sudden.  What’s up with that?   It was like that yesterday when listening to Basia’s cd for the first time put me on such a high.  Sure God could be using Basia to give me peace…but Basia shouldn’t be what fills my void, and that’s so superficial!  I need (and am asking) God to fill my void.  I have absolutely no control over my emotions and mind, so God is going to have to take control, because he’s the only one who has control.  Yeah this is probably a spiritual attack, but it’s so hard and I get so worn out to the point I am in now where I’m tired of dealing with this and fighting and so I say to God, “God, I’m done fighting.  You’re the only one who can save me and heal me, but you have to fight for me.  You have to show up.  Otherwise, if you don’t, I will be destroyed.”

It’s mind-blowingly amazing how someone like me, who was so happy and encouraging all the time in college (and people recognized that about me) could be so constantly miserable now.  What makes me feel even worse about this is that I realized recently that I am in the top 1% most blessed of the world.  I am living in the most prosperous country on planet Earth.  And I am living in the most prosperous part of the most prosperous country on Earth, so I am living in the single most prosperous and richest part of Planet Earth!  Not only that, it gets better.  I am a Christian, white, wealthy, American male.  I am in the top of the top of the world.  And not only am I a Christian, this is not to be seen as bragging, but I am blessed enough by the grace of God to be a devout Christian who truly wants to do God’s will and is willing to sacrifice anything in order to do that.  It’s hard to say, but I am definitely in the group of the top 1 million most blessed earthlings, but maybe even top 100,000?  !!!  And yet despite that, or maybe because of that, I am miserable…

I am a man most miserable.  My great learning has driven me insane.

When I told one of my friends about my misery he said he was praying for me to be happy.  I thanked him politely for his prayers, but thought to myself, “What a foolish, superficial thing to pray for!  God hasn’t called us to be happy, he’s called us to sacrifice our lives (the result often being suffering).”  After all, we are the scum of the earth, refuse on a hill.  Our role-model was known as the Suffering Servant.  But this is what I have come to realize:  following Christ’s example should make you happy and true happiness is following Christ truly.  And further, if you do not have happiness you don’t have the motivation to live as a sacrifice (which takes lots and lots of motivation).  If you don’t have motivation than you will definitely not be a living sacrifice like you are called to.  I realize that now.

————

Another thing that amazes me is that after spending 3 years being hardcore about celibacy, to the point that I looked down on people in relationships and thought they were living in sin, God broke me down with depression showing me that perhaps I myself, even I the main advocate of celibacy, couldn’t handle a life of solitude after all.  I was forced to be open to the possibility of companionship, and through this opening of my heart God broke me down further by forcing me against my will to fall into romance.  This romance was logically not God’s will, and yet it was so enticing that it possessed me to the point of near hysteria that pushed me out of my self-conscious zone and I addressed the issue.  Something I would never do normally, but I was in such agony that I needed it to end one way or the other.  God’s clear and obvious will, which seemed realistic and logical the whole time, was confirmed and I was shut down.  I concluded that God had used this to break me down and show me that people in relationships were not in sin, that people were not created for lives of solitude, but were created for companionship.  And so I sympathized with them…for a while.  And now we get to where I am now, where I am still not over the romance, even after it being confirmed that it’s not God’s will, which I knew all along.  So now I am in an absolutely pathetic state of wretched misery, knowing it’s not God’s will but my heart still wanting it, though my mind doesn’t want it.  But the possibility of “What if…” keeps the longing of romance alive.  And now, out of nowhere, for no reason at all, my feelings of indignation towards them returned and I am bitter and frustrated with people in relationships as not being in the will of God and not truly wanting to do God’s will, not being truly surrendered (only a few months after being broken down in that very area).  And all of this has logical, biblical evidence to back it up.  And I really don’t care about any of it, but I am in the back seat being torn this way and that way in a war between my differing views of the heart (which is not me) and my mind (or minds) which is/are not me.  I have no control over this, but I am in pain.  I don’t know what’s going on and can’t figure it out.  All I can do is wallow in my agony and be confused and ignorant, walking around like a zombie all day, as my mind (or whatever it is) has taken me hostage and my soul just sits there waiting and praying for God to end it.

[1/27/10- I don’t know if we have free will or not, but one thing I do know:  even if we don’t, we still feel pain.  Even if people don’t make decisions in this life they will still feel the pain that results from the consequences of those decisions.  So has God really created most of the people on earth just for the sake of them feeling pain forever?  If that’s true then God is evil.  There is nothing more evil than bringing someone to life just so they can be in extreme pain forever.  Yet God has declared Himself righteous AND just.  And since it’s not fair for people to live these short lives in a culture of darkness, ignorance and confusion only to be damned for all eternity for the crimes they committed in their short, confusing life span, in order for God to truly be just, either He will provide every single Hell-bound soul a perfect opportunity to be saved from Hell (in this life or the next) or Hell isn’t as bad as people assume from the limited scripture on it.  Perhaps the lake of fire is only for the Devil and his minions, and perhaps Abraham’s Bosom (“Paradise”) is part of Hell/Sheol, and still the destination of righteous unbelievers just as it always was before Christ’s death.  But regardless, we cannot make any assumptions or treat speculation as dogma.  All we can do is recite what has been given to us from divine revelation (the only source of truth from the only one who really knows).  Therefore anyone who preaches anything other than a Hell of darkness and fire for everyone who doesn’t accept Jesus’ atonement is out of line, because it’s all we know.]

I’m not supposed to judge others and any time I feel indignant and frustrated with others I instantly feel sick in my head and depressed and full of self-pity over the whole situation of myself judging them.  But there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  I am defenseless.  But it’s hard for me to not assume that they aren’t in God’s will when they don’t show signs of surrender, but instead show signs of going with the flow of the world.  This is how it seems to me and so based on my observations I assume.  My assumptions lead to judgment and that leads to frustration and the desire to rebuke.  I think the modern church as it seems to me is in the wrong.  Because I don’t see Christians really living the sacrificial lives of surrender they should be living.  I see Christians going with the flow of America, trapped in the America illusion, pursuing the American Dream just enough that it doesn’t push their Christianity out of bounds.  Christians go with the flow of the world: you are born, go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, have grand kids, retire and die.  The “good Christians” go to church every Sunday, maybe read their bible and pray every day, maybe are a light at their work, maybe a light to their neighbors, maybe they will lead someone to Christ in their lifetimes…but maybe not.  (2/16/10- Just like Jesus’ parable of the talents, Christians today take their talent of salvation and simply bury it.  They keep it, but don’t do anything significant with it so that their lives don’t make much of an impact (their gift of salvation doesn’t multiply), which Jesus harshly rebukes.)
But I feel God has called us to live a life like we are going to die tomorrow.  If we truly are living a life like this then how can we afford to get married, have kids, get stuck in a job, and die on a deathbed when our life and death should be used to make the biggest impact possible.

———–

In the Old Testament God commanded us to “be fruitful and multiply” but in the New Age of the New Covenant Jesus told us whoever can be a eunuch should be a eunuch.  In the beginning, when the earth was empty, God told us to populate the Earth, but it’s not the beginning anymore and the Earth is more than populated; it’s the end and we need to live like it.  Paul said we should remain unmarried if we were still unmarried, because the end was near and we needed to have undivided passions.  But instead I see a church that says “Everyone is supposed to be married except the few who God has specifically called to remain single.”  Still the Bible seems to say “Everyone is supposed to remain unmarried except for the few who God has specifically called to be married.”
So I don’t have a problem with people being married, but I do have a problem with people not even considering celibacy, or being willing to remain unmarried.  This is what frustrates me.  I don’t see this, and so I don’t see how the modern church can possibly be in the right on this subject.  It seems like the modern church doesn’t emphasize us truly living lives of sacrifice and surrender.  It’s like we’re supposed to be surrendered in our finances by giving more than the world does, when in reality true surrender is giving everything we have to God.  And so I believe that every single Christian should only take in the money they need to survive on the bare necessities, and any money spent on vanities or materialism is essentially keeping money from people who need it more than we, and thus killing them.  Therefore the modern church is a lot of murders, by the sin of omission.
Further, while marriage can be justified, I don’t see how anyone can possibly justify procreation.  In the beginning God said, “Be fruitful and multiply” but in the end He said (in the New Testament), “Take care of the orphans and the widows.”  Jesus never advocated having children, nor did Paul, and both of them said it is better to remain unmarried.  The only ones who should be married are those who don’t have self-control over their bodies and basically are the weaker ones in the faith, who aren’t as devout.  Not that I’m bashing being the weaker brother, because some people’s calling is to have constant, intimate accountability and encouragement through companionship, and God created them with this weakness, needing companionship, which is to fulfill the purpose of their creation.  But as far as we know none of the apostles were married, except the ones who were married before being Christians [12013-  1 Cor 9:5 implies perhaps most apostles were married, but not Paul and Barnabas: “Do we not have a right to take along a believing wife, even as the rest of the apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?  Or do only Barnabas and I not have a right to refrain from working?”].  It seems like it would have been the logical thing, based on early scripture, that all the early Christians would remain unmarried, who could help it.

If we are to take up The Bible on its command, we need to take care of the orphans by adopting them, and help the widows by adopting their children which they can’t support themselves.  Basically Jesus didn’t say “have children,” if anything he would have said “adopt children,” and if we are to be truly surrendered Christians, it is our duty to adopt.  But what do Christians do?  Instead of spending their time, money, love and resources on the orphans and widows, they bring new children into the world while the already existing orphans remain dying and Hell-bound.  They play God and bring new souls into existence.  Souls that can never stop existing, and souls that could possibly be sent to Hell forever and curse their parents for ever giving birth to them.  Of course orphans could still go to Hell, but the thing is you didn’t choose for them to come into being, so you can do your best to save them, and if they still go to Hell, so be it, you did all you can do.

————-

Besides accepting Christ’s atonement and being reborn spiritually, the two most significant things a human being in this life can do are give birth to a person and kill a person.  However, killing a person doesn’t take them out of existence, it just sends them into eternity with their current relationship with God fixed, all their sins on their head, and no more chances of redemption.  But giving birth to a person actually brings a soul into existence for the first time, therefore it is the single most powerful and significant thing a person can do.  It’s not a decision to be made based on someone wanting the joys of sex, parenthood, legacy, etc.  It’s not just having a kid, but it’s infinitely deeper than that.  It’s bringing a soul into existence for all eternity never to die.  Once you exist you can never unexist yourself.  Once you become alive, there is nothing you can possibly do to stop being alive.  Procreation is the single most important thing that can ever happen; don’t you think people should treat it like what it is?  But who does?  I don’t know one person who does.  When a person dies and is cast into Hell forever, they will curse their parents for all eternity for bringing them into existence.  After all, it’s not like they had any say in being born.

Instead the most important decision is reduced to a part of life.  One of many.  Just a part of the cycle.  Or at worst it is not a decision at all.  People have no self control and become like animals, possessed by primal, sexual desires.  People play around with it like a game trying to see how far they can get without becoming pregnant, and then it happens and they say, and I quote, “Oops…”  Woops!  We brought another soul into eternity to exist forever and ever and ever and probably go to Hell because we aren’t responsible parents in the area of sex, and so we probably won’t be responsible in raising a child to lead a God-fearing life either.

Because of this, above all my other reasons, I refuse to have children, even if it means castration, so be it.  Do I really believe this or am I just saying it?  (1/28-Yes, I really believe it even if castration is the price of affirming it.)  With something as important as the eternal existence of souls on the line I have no choice but to fight against it.

With that said, upon coming to this conclusion of refusing procreation I didn’t feel at peace with it.  And I wondered am I withholding this from God?  I felt like I had surrendered everything to God, but I asked myself, If God appeared to me right now and commanded me to have a child would I do it?  The answer was No, I wouldn’t.  And that bothered me, and it was then that I realized that in fact nothing happens aside from the will of God, and it’s not like I really have any power to create a soul or bring one into existence.  Only God can do that, so if I were to have a child it would be because God ultimately allowed it and in fact willed it to happen.  No soul exists just because of 2 irresponsible teenagers experimenting sexually and accidentally getting pregnant.

But my question is if you’re not going to have sex, then why get married at all?  Isn’t sex the real reason people get married?  Just like the bible says, it’s better to be unmarried, aka not have sex, aka not have kids.  I guess also people get married just to be with each other all the time, living in the same house without the condemnation of the church.  I refuse to have children which mean I refuse to have sex, so then what’s the point in marriage?  I’d rather just have a companion: more than friends, less than lovers.  And really that’s the thing that makes me even consider marriage:  companionship– having someone with you all the time who knows you intimately for who you are and loves you, in whom you find refuge and accountability and encouragement amidst the struggles of this cold, cruel, cursed world, a fellow child of God, 2 souls fighting the battle together and facing the mysteries of eternity together.  [2/3/10- Another being that you can be as intimate with as mentally, physically and spiritually possible.  They know everything about you and love you, and vice-versa.  The closest you can get to being another person.  While loneliness can be combated with friendship and family, those people can never be as intimate as a lover can be.)   And I have to admit secretly that that is the single most enticing thing on earth.  (And because of that intense attraction towards it I have to completely shut those thoughts out of my mind, lest I give in to the attraction even a little bit and then can’t get out without getting broken down- which is what happens every time, including very recently.  Even writing about it now there’s the potential of jeopardizing my mission by thinking of it, and yet I hope to record this feeling so that I can forget about it, but still have it written somewhere because it’s interesting.]  But isn’t that God?  Shouldn’t that person be God?  Shouldn’t God be the one that satisfies all those needs and fills the void in our life?  And yet God has created our bodies as being incomplete alone, like a puzzle piece made for another puzzle piece.  Or is that just the way we have been conditioned to think?  Can our loneliness be satisfied by friends and family?  Or just by the power and presence of God Himself?

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1/14/10- Apparently God is more powerful than Basia after all.  For now I feel at peace and a spirit of joy and contentment beyond all logic or rationality.  This just goes to prove that I have 0 control over my emotions and it is undeniably supernatural why I’m not depressed all of the sudden, as if God just decided to suddenly answer my prayer and change my heart.  I didn’t do anything to make this happen.  I pleaded with God for a long time, often to the point of nearing hysteria, that He would take it away and He wouldn’t, (1/27- my thorn in my flesh) but for some reason He did all of the sudden.  Whereas before I was depressed without companionship, now I really know, and logically feel sound, that I can’t be in a relationship now and I’m content with that, finally.

So I’m not controlling of other people and indignant, condemning of them for their convictions being less than mine, and being less analytical and “devout” as I am.  And I knew you can’t live like that anyways, even though I felt I was right I couldn’t be at peace with being frustrated with them.  I think the only thing you can do is try to encourage them in love to be better than the expectations and standards of the church.

————

Sometimes I get sick of constantly fighting temptations, and I get so tired of the trials of Christianity and the imperfections of this cursed world, and the mind games of God breaking us down and showing us things to the point that I just want to die.  (2/3/10- I want off this rock.)  I just want all of this to be over finally, and so I long for the ending of the world and the return of Christ to rule.  This feeling in turn turns to frustration with the apathy and mediocrity of the modern church that is ultimately pushing back the return of Christ by neglecting our call to fulfill the Great Commission by not truly sacrificing our lives and everything we have to advance the kingdom of God to the best of our abilities.
Just as Jesus said in Matthew 24:14:  “This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.”

[2/3/10- of course that isn’t good motivation for evangelism– frustration, exhaustion, and disgust with the world and its trials and wanting the end to come.]

As it seems to me right now, I think the only people who shouldn’t be foreign missionaries are the people who are loaded and can do more good sponsoring orphans and missionaries, thus fulfilling the Great Commission as a sender.  Right now I’m sponsoring missionaries and orphans, but I’m not loaded so I think God’s will for me is to be a missionary, until the day comes when I become loaded, or can make more of an impact for the gospel in America (i.e. having a major band).

The truth is that every single thing you do affects the ultimate number of souls that will go to Heaven or Hell.

We have been called to be salt and light in a dark and bitter world.

————–

In the darkest of my mental wanderings I started to feel more respect for Osama Bin Laden than for the modern, American church.  While Bin Laden is a fool for being deceived into believing in an unjust, illogical religion like Islam, it is commendable that he believes it in its entirety as truly being the inerrant word of God and he follows it absolutely to the best of his ability, more than the rest of muslims, to the point that he would even lay down his life to obey it.

I believe that God will raise up a generation of celibates and living sacrifices to speed up the spreading of the gospel and thus hasten His return, and maybe He will use me to help this generation rise up.  Though right now with the current state of the church it seems unlikely, but God’s will is at work even now and nothing happens aside from the will of God.  If the American church as a whole is dying or at least slacking, it is because God allows it, otherwise He would change people’s hearts and break them down to the place of surrender they need to be to do his will.

I have had a harsh, critical, judgmental attitude towards the American church as a whole, including my best friends, and this attitude produces in me a feeling of bitterness, anger, frustration, and depression.  Surely anything that produces those side effects can’t be pleasing to God.  While I still stand beside my thoughts as being logical, I can’t justify being angry and judgmental towards anyone.  So I don’t know what to believe because these logical thoughts turn me away from a spirit of love, and surely God-sent beliefs should always produce symptoms of love, joy, peace and compassion.
1/28/10- And who am I to be judgmental of others anyways?  It’s not like I’m perfect.  So what if someone else spends money on video games, but then they go out and witness to people?  I don’t go out specifically to witness to people, even though I give my excess to the poor.  So who is a worse sinner?  One man obeys God in one area and another obeys in another area.  One man sins against God in one area and another sins in another area.  Until I’m perfect I can’t expect people to change.  But that still doesn’t mean that they should stay in their sin and that I shouldn’t encourage them to change.  We all have our own convictions, but it’s true some people should be more convicted than they are, and they’ve allowed the expectations of society to numb their convictions.

I am an idealist.  So I tend to believe that which is most ideal and seems to make the most sense as true.  But in reality, just because something is the most logical conclusion or most ideal doesn’t mean it’s the truth.  There’s only one truth, and it might not make the most sense or be the most logical conclusion.  Yet while you could say that that which seems logical to us might not be the most logical to God, I do believe our view of what is logical and illogical is a reflection of the traits of God who created us in His image.  And so I believe God has put in our minds the ability to distinguish what’s true as being that which is most logical because we reflect the logical nature of God and God has made an ordered and logical world.  But still, God could make something to be true simply because He wants it to be that way, even if it isn’t logical to us.  So just because something’s logical doesn’t necessarily mean it is the truth.

——————

2/1/10
I feel like I am awake and everyone else is asleep.

The convictions are there and the logic is absolutely sound, and yet my heart is not convinced.  If it was truly God’s perfect will for all this to be as it seems it should, then why would it create a feeling of restlessness, frustration, bitterness, confusion, uncertainty and all around uneasiness?  Perhaps because my soul is vexed by knowing the way things should be but seeing the overwhelming state of depravity that is the reality of the American church.  If my convictions were true than why would I struggle so much with loneliness and romance to the point that it plagues my thoughts consistently every day?  Shouldn’t my resolution bring peace and satisfaction through this volition?  As it is, I fear the quiet and silence because I know what lies there in the darkness waiting for me:  My thoughts.  And so I rage against the stillness by surrounding myself with noise and business all the time, even when I sleep, so as to stifle out and drown the negative thoughts and analyzing that waits for me, trying to claim me and bring me down again into the depths.  If I am alone to myself, then I have nothing else to do but think.  And if I think, my thoughts inevitably shift towards criticizing myself and others and thinking about my depravity and loneliness, because right now it is so engraved in my heart and consuming of my mind.  Perhaps because I am the only one who has realized these convictions.  Perhaps it bothers me because I love my brothers and I love God and desperately want the church to be what God has intended and to fulfill God’s purpose.  Since the church is apparently not fulfilling God’s purpose to the degree it should be, it frustrates me and convicts me to the point that I seek to energize it into the place it’s supposed to be.  Perhaps I am plagued by doubt and negative emotions because I am the only one left who isn’t giving in to the American dream, so if other Christians abstained from marriage and settling down (like they were meant to) then I wouldn’t be depressed or lonely, etc.
But as it is, I feel called to live life based on these convictions and not waver due to emotions, so that if I must live a life of misery, so be it.  My sacrifice will please God and instill in others a fire that would not be lit aside from my sacrifice.  Sacrifice is necessary to wake the church up.  God will not let me see decay, for I am sincere in my motives.

——–

2/2/10- For some reason I have this strong desire against settling down and getting married and having kids, raging against the natural, primal desires, as if I were a defunct human.  While I do greatly desire companionship, the thought of marriage and dating and all that entails makes me cringe.  I even hate the word “dating” and “girlfriend”.  Even though marriage at times is appealing, when I think about the details of it (living with someone all the time and having to make them a priority and spend vain, unproductive time with them), I realize, “No, I couldn’t do it.  I’m not made for that,” especially if my convictions would keep that person from living the popular marriage dream of sex and parenthood.  In fact, some of us just aren’t meant to live.  We are born to die.  We are made for the sole purpose of sacrificing our lives for the advancement of the Kingdom.

————-

It looks to me like the age of Earth is coming to a close.  The bible mentions wars and famine and earthquakes frequently occurring in the end.  Of course people were always expecting the end for 2000 years, but in those 2000 years there wasn’t the constant threat of earthquakes and global warming that there is now.  The earth is made to handle a certain amount of people and that limit is being reached[112511-will be reached sooner than we think], along with the technology that all of those people are using that exponentially heats up the earth.  60 years ago the whole earth had 2 billion people and now there are over 6 billion.  Naturally 50 years from now that will be doubled and 50 years from then that will be doubled.  Once you get to the place we are now the population is just unstoppable and exploding, and there’s really nothing we can do because it’s not like people are going to stop having kids.  If everyone on earth of the 6 billion people had 1 kid per couple it would cut the next generation in half, but that’s not going to happen, because people are 1. selfish and 2. have no self control.  [12/9/12- I just have to say after reading this paragraph, that it’s rather ridiculous.]
It only makes sense as we know what happened the last time the world joined together as one body and pushed the limits of science and technology with the Tower of Babel.  Now the world is developing a common language again in English and Latin, and thus breaking past language, culture, and distance barriers to push the limits of nature once again.  As humans inevitably dig deeper and deeper into the study of nature and break God’s laws (abortion, cloning, etc.), God will inevitably have to break down man again from his prideful, god-like status, this time perhaps for the last time.
Thinking about all this is sure to make you feel uneasy and panic, but in reality there’s not much you can do, and you shouldn’t feel that way because this is all part of God’s plan, His story.  The earth has to end sooner or later, and it’s ending.  How did you think it would end?  God sending earthquakes and famines supernaturally on the world?  Just like all other times, the supernatural follows the natural, and the natural is in fact supernaturally-induced.  The Earth is becoming over-populated with people who use technology that sucks up the earth’s resources and ruins the environment, so that when the end wasn’t in sight, now all of the sudden it is foreseeable. But of course the end won’t come until the Gospel is preached to all peoples, and there are still unreached peoples.  I predict that there will be a selfless, sacrificial emergence of Christians who deny themselves marriage and sex and the comforts of this life to advance the kingdom of God rapidly so that the end will come suddenly and unexpected.

———–

I have always had a fire in my bones for confronting and rebuking the modern church and secular culture of America, but now I wonder if this fire could be better used towards another direction- an idea that’s always been in the back of my mind.  The fact is, Americans have an abundant access to the gospel.  At any time an American can say to himself, “Hmmm…I wonder what happens when I die?” and go to a library to research, go to a church on Sunday, go buy a bible for a dollar, and if nothing else surf the web for the truth from the comfort and privacy of their home and find the answers from the plethora of Christian resources.  But God could randomly plant a thought in someone’s head or convict their heart so they search for the truth and find it, whereas if he does that in some countries, even if the people searched for the truth they would have no way to find it, accept by supernatural means.  That, plus the fact that the American masses have been indoctrinated by the false facts of modern “science,” which supposedly point towards an atheistic world, and the overall false classification of “Christian” that most Americans believe they fall under when in reality they don’t, makes the American masses a hard people to convert.  Though God of course can do all things, is it really the best use of our time to continually reach out to this stubborn, apathetic, Christianity-saturated people, when there are peoples that have never heard the Gospel and don’t have access to it?  Like Paul said, “It was necessary that the word of God be spoken to you first; since you repudiate it and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, behold, we are turning to the Gentiles.
47″For so the Lord has commanded us,
‘I HAVE PLACED YOU AS A LIGHT FOR THE GENTILES,
THAT YOU MAY BRING SALVATION TO THE END OF THE EARTH.'”
48When the Gentiles heard this, they began rejoicing and glorifying the word of the Lord; and as many as had been appointed to eternal life believed.”  (Acts 13)

AND
18:6: “But when they resisted and blasphemed, he shook out his garments and said to them, ‘Your blood be on your own heads! I am clean From now on I will go to the Gentiles.’”

AND
28:25: “The Holy Spirit rightly spoke through Isaiah the prophet to your fathers,
26saying,
‘GO TO THIS PEOPLE AND SAY,
YOU WILL KEEP ON HEARING, BUT WILL NOT UNDERSTAND;
AND YOU WILL KEEP ON SEEING, BUT WILL NOT PERCEIVE;
27FOR THE HEART OF THIS PEOPLE HAS BECOME DULL,
AND WITH THEIR EARS THEY SCARCELY HEAR,
AND THEY HAVE CLOSED THEIR EYES;
OTHERWISE THEY MIGHT SEE WITH THEIR EYES,
AND HEAR WITH THEIR EARS,
AND UNDERSTAND WITH THEIR HEART AND RETURN,
AND I WOULD HEAL THEM.”‘
28″Therefore let it be known to you that this salvation of God has been sent to the Gentiles; they will also listen.”

AND
Matthew 21:
43″Therefore I say to you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people, producing the fruit of it.

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I have 2 questions, 3 requests:
Questions:
What do I believe that isn’t true?
What changes need to be made in my life?
Requests:
Show me what You want me to do, how to do it, and give me what I need to do it.

//